Lukas was talented and I loved him for that. Because he gave me someone to look up to. He was easy to admire and put on a pedestal, but maybe I put him up too high. Maybe there is a piece of me that knows I’ll never measure up to his success. That I’ll never be him.
I’ll just bethis.
Magicless.
Useless.
If I can’t wield magic, I won’t last much longer here. So where does that leave me?
For the first time since Lukas died, I wish he would come back. Not just because I miss him, but because I want to yell at him.
Why did you leave me here?
Why am I not like you?
Why did you look so worried that day and yet you still left?
Why did you come back here?
What did you do?
‘What did you fuckingdo?!’ I scream against the salty wind; my hands fist my hair. My voice cracks and I just … let go.
I yell and shout and cry. I cry so much that my head starts to hurt. My temples ache from where my hair has been tugged so many times,my palms sting from where my nails have dug little crescent moons into the flesh and my heart breaks … because I feel so angry and resentful to the one person I came here to protect.
I came here to protecthim. I put aside the dreams I once had for myself. I joinedhisunit. I’m delving into dangerous territory with the friends I’ve made here to get into Agate’s library, forhim.All while I feel like I’m slowly losing myself, doubting who I am and what I’m even here for, and it just makes me want to—
A chunk of the cliff suddenly splinters beneath my feet, and there’s a deafening crack right before the ground gives way beneath me.
My gasp is caught in my throat when I feel myself pitching downward. My arms fling out to grab onto something, but air meets them … I fall.
A scream erupts from me as the ground turns to rubble, my stomach drags painfully against rock as I drop and slam against it. My fingers dig into the ground desperately trying to find purchase as the lower half of my body slips over the edge. The sea seems to roar beneath my dangling legs as if it’s waiting for my descent. Greedy to swallow me whole.
Panic rises in my chest.
My feet start kicking, frantic to find anything solid to connect to and use as leverage to push myself up. My elbows dig in, my teeth clench, my eyes sting with hot unshed tears.
I don’t know how to swim.
I don’t know how to bloody swim!
I scramble, half off the edge, for what seems like minutes but is really only a handful of seconds before the toes of my right foot find a small lip in the cliff face. The sudden surge of relief is what kicks my survival instincts into drive.
‘I will not fucking die like this,’ I grit through my teeth as my fingers latch onto a small rock near the edge. I did not come all this way just to fall off a cliff and sink to the bottom of the ocean. I have not survived multiple attacks on my life, fought a shadow walker and gained more scars on my body than I thought possible, just to go out this way.
I will not die.
My toes find purchase.
The tips of my fingers strain, my nails bending as they curl around the rock.
I will not die.
The rock doesn’t give way immediately. I exhale heavily in relief and take a second to slow my breathing down. I feel around with my other hand for something else to grip onto, knocking off debris and loose stones that skitter past my head, dust clouding my eyes as I pat the top of the cliff. Finally, I feel another chunk of rock sticking up. It’s a bit larger than the one my other hand is curled around. I pull on it, ensuring it’s not going to break or fall free before gripping it for dear life.
When I’m sure I can move, I push with my foot and pull with my arms, and I haul my body up. My back strains, my arms and fingers burn, but powered by sheer determination, I scramble over the lip and onto safe, flat ground. I’m crawling on my hands and knees, away from the edge when I hear a shout and boots crunching across dirt and rocks.
Seconds later, two large hands haul me up and into strong arms that wrap around me like vines.
