“Is this okay?” Harvey’s exhales skimmed over the back of her neck. Shifting, he slipped one hand over her hip, then flat against her belly. Over where their baby grew. His other arm wedged beneath her pillow, caging her against him, but this cage wasn’t meant to trap her.
Unable to form a single answer, Drennan nodded. They’d been intimate together. Hell, they’d conceived a baby together, however accidentally, but this…this superseded casual. This wasmore, and that was a very dangerous place to be. Because she wanted more. With him, for them. She wanted the family dinners and the trips into Zion with the baby strapped to his back. She wanted the ice cream weekends and petty arguments about money and where to go on vacation. For the first time in longer than she cared to admit, shewanted. Enough that the realization sucked the breath straight out of her lungs. But the shock that really threatened to unease her? She was allowed to want. There wasn’t anyone who would stop her. No one to guilt her into giving up that dream that would take her from that neat little nurturer package she’d become over the years. No one to shame her for daring to imagine a different life. She was free to want Harvey, to want a family of her own.
“You okay?” His thumb circled around her belly button. Once. Twice. She lost count of the passes he made, starting small then spreading out wider until he brushed the edge of her waistband beneath her scrubs top. “You should get some sleep.”
She wanted to, more than anything after what she’d survived, but her brain refused to stop spiraling. Every pass of his fingers over the sensitive skin of her belly brought her back to what he’d revealed in the ER. “She was pregnant.”
Harvey’s fingers stilled. Just for a moment. And that hesitation rattled her deep into her bones. “Yeah. She was.”
“Do you think that’s why he killed her?” Her voice shook without her permission. “That it was some kind of affair gone wrong?”
Seconds ticked by. Then a minute. She wasn’t sure Harvey would answer, and she knew why. Neither of them wanted to imagine two lives ended prematurely by something they were currently working through. It was too real. Too…close to reality,considering his fear of becoming the man who’d ultimately killed his mother. His thumb made another pass around her navel, soothing her nerves, and he seemed to relax muscle by muscle.
“I’m not sure, but I need you to know I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” The hand braced under the pillow curled around, threading through her hair and pulling it away from her face. His lips pressed into the hyperaware skin below her ear, the combination of his hands and his mouth dragging her into unconsciousness. “I’m not giving you up that easily.”
Chapter Twenty
His body felt heavier than ever before. At…peace.
Harvey blinked against the sunlight coming through the window to his right. Cream linen curtains shifted as the vent puffed out cool air. Plants had been hung in the corner nearest him, the aesthetic natural and calming compared to the chaos outside these walls. Not his room. Not his house. This was… He was with Drennan. Her apartment. Hell, he’d fallen asleep. His chest worked against the weight pressing against him, but he didn’t dare move.
Drennan had turned into him sometime during the night, her head nestled against his heart, seeking him out even in unconsciousness. Scraped fingers and broken nails rested over his stomach, with one of her legs thrown over his, pinning him in place. Holding on to him as though she couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. She fit so perfectly. Harvey lifted her fingers up, rubbing dried blood from her nails. Law enforcement had gathered what they could of her clothing and evidence from under her nails after the abduction—but the sight of so much damage squeezed his heart.
She was innocent. Maybe simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Had Dr. Yarrow or he been there in her place to collect the victim’s personal items from the pond, it’s possible she never would’ve been taken. Because the alternative meant someone had targeted her, would keep coming for her any chance they got, until they succeeded in whatever plan they’d concocted. Her fingers curled into his, grabbing tight. A softhitch in her breath kicked his heart rate up. Damn, she was beautiful like this. Without the stress of the past, the pressure of survival and the paleness of creating life in sleep, her face had softened, and a similar ease filtered through him.
He hadn’t slept as well as he had last night in…ever. Every noise, every change in his surroundings had potentially been a threat, whether at home or in the military. Survival had trained him to sleep light. Even then, no more than a few hours at a time, but with Drennan here, he’d found something he’d never imagined. Peace. It echoed through his limbs, made him feel heavier, grounded and sluggish. Her body heat seeped past his clothing and soothed his frayed nervous system.
Harvey scanned her bedroom, then the living room through the open door. There was only one access into her second-floor apartment, but the security in this building wasn’t strong enough to stop someone from getting in if they put their mind to it. The locks on the windows were cheap, the front door only secured by a dead bolt that could be bypassed by taking out the too-small hinges on the other side of the door. One kick and the entire thing would collapse. Which meant Drennan was still possibly in danger. That his—their—baby was in danger.
Setting her hand back against his chest, he counted off her breaths, and the manic concern that’d set up residence over the past couple of days died down. In. Out. Slow. Controlled. He couldn’t think of a single stimulus that’d unwound years of physical and mental tension the way her breathing did, but Harvey knew it wasn’t just that. It was her. For some unknown reason, she felt safe enough to ask him to stay last night, to seek him out. She…trusted him. Him. A man who couldn’t even trust himself, who fought an invisible battle each and every day to keep himself level and from falling into a darkness he’d never escape once he got a taste. And given her past, he understood what a gift that trust was.
To be someone’s choice.
Her words had gutted him faster than the KA-BAR knife he’d failed to dodge in Afghanistan. Drennan had never felt important to anyone, and he hadn’t lied. She’d become important to him. Not just because of the baby. Long before that, when every cell in his body had argued against letting her walk out his door the night they’d met. And, hell, she deserved someone who would do whatever it took to keep her happy and satisfied. Who could bring out that smile without even trying. Someone she trusted not to use her up and spit her out. Who made her feel important day in and day out.
His chest rose on a deep inhale as he stared up at the ceiling. He could be that. He could choose her and wake up to Drennan clinging to him as though she couldn’t breathe without him every morning. He could surprise her with her favorite takeout and spend the night with her legs wrapped around his waist. He could taste her skin and draw that breathy little moan from her lips every night after they put the baby down for bed. He could prove she was important, that she was worth a lifetime of dedication and care. They could be something more than two people tied by the small life they’d created.
If he could trust himself.
His temperature spiked, Drennan’s body heat suddenly too much to handle despite her thin scrubs and the fact they’d lost the blanket sometime in the middle of the night. His heart rate notched higher as he fought the urge to dig his fingers into her arm to hold on to that peaceful feeling for a little while longer. But that invisible demon that’d been passed down in his DNA had already opened one eye and started watching him. Daring him to make a move, to shove her off just so he could breathe a little easier. To give him a reason to attack.
And that was how he would spend the rest of his life.
On the defense. Constantly on alert. Waiting for her or the baby to trigger him into overreacting. To the point all the nightmares he’d suffered over the years became reality. Because no matter how well he’d slept last night or how often he reveled in these too-short moments of peace, Drennan wasn’t capable of slaying demons. And she shouldn’t have to destroy her life trying. Hoping. He…couldn’t put her through that. Couldn’t put anyone through that.
“Mmm. Sorry. I didn’t realize I was using you as a pillow.” She turned her face into his chest, breathing him in as she fisted his T-shirt, and Harvey froze. Her smile lit up her whole face as she blinked up at him and rolled onto her back. With her head on his arm—long asleep from her weight now—she pointed her toes in an exaggerated stretch, showing off all the sweet curves. In a couple months, she’d have one more as the baby got bigger, and something primal inside of him wanted to watch every step of the change. To feel the baby kick and move, watch him or her react to the different kinds of foods Drennan ate. He wanted to rub her feet when the swelling started and make those late-night grocery runs for whatever she was craving. He wanted it all. And he couldn’t have it. Couldn’t have her. Her eyes cleared of sleep as she turned back into him. “You do make a good pillow, though.”
His laugh shuddered through him, easy and quick. When was the last time he’d really laughed like that? He couldn’t remember. But with Drennan, it was becoming easier. “You don’t. You’re all skin and bones.”
“Hey. There used to be some curves here.” The feigned seriousness in her expression charged another laugh he couldn’t stop even if he’d wanted to. Drennan slipped her hand across his chest, seemingly memorizing him as much as he’d memorized her. “Our baby stole them all. It’s not my fault it doesn’t like anything I put in my mouth.”
His smile slipped.
Their baby. Harvey swallowed the knot of dryness in his throat. She still considered the baby to be theirs. Not just hers. And that…that couldn’t happen. Tension bled into his shoulders as he extracted himself from the tangle of limbs and bedding that smelled just as he remembered. No. Better. His clothing stuck to his spine.
“Want some breakfast?” She’d rolled onto her side, watching him as he went for his boots, one fist propped along her jaw. The circles under her eyes had lightened, giving her a brighter appearance. “I haven’t really been shopping the past couple of weeks, but I think I have a few eggs and some bacon in the fridge.”
“No. Thanks.” A hum of warning had started under his skin, urging him to get as far from Drennan as possible. He’d let this get too far. One-night stands weren’t supposed to be anything more, and he’d broken his own damn rule by agreeing to stay in bed with her last night. He’d known better than to allow himself to want something more, but he was better than his father. He could do the right thing. Harvey shoved his feet into his boots and tied them as quickly as he could. “I need to get going.”
