The kid had been ready to take his life just a few days ago, and now I was playing boyfriend with him. What happened to me being the mature adult who could make smart decisions for both of us? Granted, he kissed me first and practically begged me to go along with the moment…but that didn’t mean I had to do it.
Joshua was vulnerable. That was the word I'd used when I saw him in the diner, and it still felt right. He had just survived a self-inflicted trauma and needed support and therapy and empathy. Not a fuck buddy. I'd gone and done exactly what I promisedmyself I wouldn't do, which was to treat his vulnerability like an invitation for closeness instead of a reason to be careful of it.
Artie would kick my ass if he knew what I’d just done. Then again, Artie was one of few people who knew about my lactation, and he’d encouraged Joshua to talk to me about it. Maybe he would understand. Artie knew as well as anyone that my chest was an erogenous zone and even talking about it was enough to make me hard and horny. Pairing that with the sexiest man I’d met in years was just unfair. There was no way I could resist him.
And because I was weak and couldn’t keep my dick in my pants, I had just made Joshua’s life more complicated.
I lay back on my bed and stared at the ceiling, but I didn't fall asleep for a long time.
The next morning, I was up early, so I made coffee and went out to the deck. When Joshua eventually came out, he had a blanket around his shoulders again, and his hair was an adorable mess.
“Hi.” He looked at me from behind a steaming mug and then sat down.
“Good morning.” The tension between us was almost palpable, but since it was my fault, I didn’t want him to feel bad about what had happened. “Did you sleep okay?”
His eyes snapped to mine and he bit back a smile. “Yeah, really good.”
"Glad to hear it." I took a drink of my coffee and stared out at the ocean. There were so many things I wanted to say, but nothingfelt right. I didn’t have the words to apologize for my weakness, so I stayed quiet after that.
He was quiet too for a while. And just when I thought we were gonna pretend nothing had happened, he put down his mug and turned in his seat to face me. "Are you sorry it happened?"
It took me a minute to figure out how to answer him without lying. "No, not at all." I put the mug down and sighed as I rubbed the back of my neck. "But I am sorry about the timing."
He pulled back and shook his head. "What does that mean? We were having a moment, and it happened. I’d call that perfect timing."
I scoffed and had to remind myself not to be an ass. "The timing was far from perfect. You’re just a few days out from something seriously traumatic, and I’m supposed to be someone you can trust not to make this complicated. I’m supposed to be the voice of reason here."
He cocked his head and furrowed his brow. "But I kissed you first."
As if I could ever forget. "I know."
"And I wanted it." He slowly grinned, finding amusement in a situation that wasn’t funny.
"I know that too." I held his gaze, keeping my expression neutral. "But I should've been the one to pump the brakes. That’s what I wanted to do, but I…didn't."
He looked at me for a long moment with an expression I was getting better at recognizing. This was him deciding whether to argue or if it wasn't worth the energy. "So what happens now?"
"Nothing changes." I wrapped my hands around my mug to have something to focus on other than his full lips and the way his tongue felt against mine as he blew hot breath on me. "You need to focus on your therapy appointments, and I've got some work I need to catch up on.” I took a drink and shrugged. “I have a site visit on Friday, and we can run when the weather's nice. Other than that, I just want you to feel better and to keep showing up."
His smile dropped, and I hated that I was the reason for it. "So we’ll just pretend last night didn't happen."
"We don't have to pretend anything." I looked at him straight so he could see my sincerity. "Last night happened, and I enjoyed it very much, but I think we need to slow things down for now."
“Oh, okay.” He looked into the distance, and I could sense his disappointment, but he changed the subject. "Where's your site visit?"
"It’s the Pacifica restaurant project." I was surprised to see his interest piqued. "You can come with me if you want. We can call it an internship."
His eyes went big, and he leaned forward. "Yeah?"
"Sure. It might be kinda boring, but if you don’t wanna hang out here by yourself, you’re welcome to join me."
"Yeah, okay. I'd like that." He was quiet for another before he sighed without looking at me. "So how long do we have to slow things down for?”
"There are a few things you need to figure out before you let me complicate it." I kept my voice level. "The most important thing I need to know from you is that you want to stay alive. Not for me or anyone else, but for yourself."
He was quiet.
"When you're sure about that…" I got up and sat beside him so I could put my arm around his shoulder and hold him close to me. "Everything else will fall into place."
