1
JOSHUA
I'd been carrying the decision around for almost three weeks before it stopped feeling like a decision and started feeling like a plan.
It took me that long to figure out that a decision was something you could talk yourself out of at two in the morning when everything felt scary and confusing. But a plan was solid. It had a shape to it. A start, a middle, and an end.
And I was ready to start.
Just saying that in my head was a huge relief.
I lay there in the shitty apartment I’d been living in for months and soaked in the sense of calm as it settled over me. I didn't feel scared or even sad to be at the end of this journey. I felt almost excited to move forward…if that was how you could describe it.
I’d given myself a year to figure shit out because that was a reasonable amount of time. Nothing happened overnight, and sometimes weeks turned into months in the blink of an eye. But a year was enough time to acknowledge that I’d hit rock bottom and wasn’t ever gonna make my way back up.
There were just a lot of things stacked against me. Small things that forced me to take stock of my life and realize there were way too many cons to ever catch up with the pros.
Losing my job when the owner filed for bankruptcy might have been the pinnacle, but there were a lot of other problems that couldn’t get resolved with more time. Like Mom telling me to figure it out on my own when I got evicted because she didn’t want me at her place. Or the power getting turned off because I was months behind in all my bills. Those moments were just motivation to finally do what I needed to do.
After cleaning out my apartment and taking all my stuff down to the dumpster so the landlord wouldn’t have to deal with it, I hopped on my bike and rode into Pescadero. That was where Grandpa used to take me on Sunday mornings to play on the beach or eat breakfast at Woody’s when I stayed at his cabin.
My earliest memories were in that town, so it seemed fitting that my last ones would be there too.
It was quiet for a Sunday evening and nobody was paying attention to me as I parked in front of Woody’s and headed inside. I’d emptied out my last $207 from the bank, but I didn’t need that much for my dinner.
Woody's had about ten tables and a chalkboard menu above the register that hadn't changed in at least twenty years. I always sat at the same stool, and Jeanette always brought me a glass of milk without my asking. I liked that about her. It was nice to have one place in my life where someone knew what I needed before I had to ask for it.
The glass was cold in my hand as I chugged half of it down in one breath. I wasn’t in a hurry, per se, but there was no need to drag things out.
“Mac and cheese with nuggets?” Jeanette pressed the end of her pen to her chin and waited for me to respond.
“No nuggets today. I think I’d like pancakes with my mac and cheese.” I pushed the unopened menu toward her. “Please and thank you, Jeanette.”
“You’re welcome, kiddo.” She smiled and nodded toward the glass. “You gonna need a refill after that?”
I wanted to say yes but that would just be wasteful. “No, thanks. Water’s fine.”
While I waited for my food, I looked around and really soaked in every detail of the dated decor and familiar faces. Woody’s had regulars that came in every day, so several of the older folks were locals I’d been seeing for years. It wasn’t a fancy place, but it was homey. And home was what I was looking for.
The pancakes came first, and I savored every bite, dragging each piece through a pool of syrup until my plate was clean. Then I dug into my mac and cheese. The pasta was soft and the cheese was rehydrated from a fluorescent orange powder, just the way I liked it.
I almost stopped after that, but ice cream sounded so good that I couldn’t resist a sundae too. Besides, I wanted it, and there was nobody around to stop me.
As I was mixing the fudge at the bottom of the bowl with the melted ice cream, the door opened and a man came in. He wasbig and solid and easily the most attractive man I’d seen in a very long time.
He took a table near the window, and Jeanette went right over to greet him. They talked like they knew each other, but it wasn’t my business, so I turned away and took the last sip of water from my glass.
The reflection off the window gave me a perfect view of the handsome stranger. He had the kind of face that made me stare just a few seconds too long. Long enough that he caught me looking. But he didn't make it weird. He might have winked at me through the reflection, but I turned away too quickly to be sure. No sense making any kind of connection to anyone at this point.
It was too late.
And it wouldn’t be fair to him. A man like that would be worth living for, and he probably had some waiting for him at home. In fact, I hoped he did. I hoped he had a wonderful life.
“Can I get you anything else?” Jeanette was back to collect my dishes.
“No, thank you.” I stood up and grabbed my wallet. My bill was under thirty bucks, but I pulled out all the cash I had and tucked it under the edge of my napkin. “You’ve been great. I’ve always appreciated your kindness.”
She cocked her head and had a weird expression on her face. “Of course, kid. I’ll see you next time.”
