I start in on scales, the repetition soothing, but it’s so familiar that my thoughts still run free.
Do I actually want my parents to come to the reception?
Part of me does. The little kid part of me that remembers how they were before Hunter died. The part that’s always longed for their approval and involvement.
But the cynical adult part of me, the part that grew up with them after Hunter died, the part that suspects they wish I’d been the one to get sick instead of Hunter … that part doesn’t want anything to do with them.
Am I ready to cut them off entirely?
No. Mostly because of that little kid part, though. The part that hopes that if I do and say all the right things, maybe they’ll love me again.
Even as the adult part of me knows they’re probably not capable of that anymore.
The therapist I saw in college helped me come to terms with that. Or start to come to terms with that. It’s still hard, though.
I’ve had the passing thought that I should look into finding a therapist again since I have insurance now, but with the uncertainty of my situation with Jason …
It might be worth finding some people I want to call at least. As part of my contingency plans. If I can show that I’m wanting to work on myself, maybe that’ll help?
Yet another tally in the find a real job column, though. Even if things with Jason don’t work out, I need to figure out a way to stop sabotaging myself. Because I know enough to realize that’s what I’ve done here. That’s what I did with my relationships—both platonic and romantic—in college. That’s what I’ve always done.
I’m too wounded, too scared, too certain I’ll be rejected yet again, and I keep everyone at arm’s length until they get sick of it and leave. Just like I always knew they would.
Because isn’t that what I’ve done here? With Jason? Kept him at a distance, held his original words as the only, immutable truth—that he’s helping me because of his promise to Hunter—rather than acknowledging that things between us obviously changed? He said as much, and instead of listening to that, I clung to the first—the safest feeling—option. The one that meant he’d eventually decide he’d paid his debt, kept his promise enough, and I’d be on my own again.
That was my plan all along, wasn’t it? To end up on my own again? I was willing to accept Jason’s help as long as it had a definite end date, even if that end date wasn’t clearly defined.There were too many variables to set a hard deadline at the start. I needed time to move, to make contacts, to get myself set up. But I figured in a year, maybe two at the most, I’d be able to live on my own, and we’d quietly divorce.
I never expected him to fold me into his life so completely, though. To introduce me to his friends, to encourage them to becomemyfriends, to use his contacts as much as he could to help me …
To throw together a gorgeous, if tiny, wedding in less than a week. To plan a beautiful reception because his teammates were upset they didn’t get to celebrate with us.
To not keep me as some kind of dirty secret, but instead to openly introduce me to everyone as his wife.
And I didn’t know how to take all of that. To trust any of it. To believe that he was exactly who and what he seemed to be—a man with a deep sense of connection to his community, both that of his team, and also this town.
He’s driven me around, shown me his favorite places, described the kinds of charity work he does in the name of the Emeralds.
He’s beloved.
And it’s not difficult to see why. Even if it’s taken me a stupidly long time to figure it out.
My phone alerts, and I’m tempted to ignore it, but also Marissa’s picking me up for the game, so I need to check the time and see if she’s the one calling or texting.
Thankfully, it’s her. I let out a relieved sigh at the sight of her text message letting me know she’s on her way. And while my phone is in my hand, I mute the texts with both my parents. That way, I’ll be able to look at them on my own terms—when I’m ready—instead of being caught by surprise in the middle of the game.
After putting my violin away, I change into the hoodie I stole from Jason and get ready to go. Marissa will be here soon.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Jason
When Hailey broughtup that we lost to Edmonton last time, it felt like a jinx. But we manage to pull out a win.
The score’s tied 1-1 for most of the game, but after a gorgeous pass from Abernathy, I manage to light the lamp near the end of the third period, and we hold them off to the end of the game.
But I’m exhausted as I drag myself out of the locker room after the game. “We’re all heading out to the Salmon again,” Abernathy says on our way out. “You and Hailey should come.”
“Oh, well, uh …” I start, but he gives me a look and shakes his head.
