He won’t understand what I’m going through.
Ivan may try. Sweet Ivan, who is kind and patient enough to read our cat murder mysteries together, fluff my nest, and hold me whenever I’m nervous.
He may be happy to do it, but for how long?
And does he even deserve a partner like that?
We may be scent matched, but we’re not mated yet. He could still find someone else…
I burst through the door of my apartment with a ragged sob, lock it behind me, then press myself against the wall, struggling to breathe.
This isn’t a normal reaction.
Alvin is going into surgery, and I left him alone.
Yet Blair was the one that told me to go home. At least that I can remember.
It hurts to breathe.
I curl up into a ball and lay on my side, overwhelmed with shame.
What if Fang saw me like this?
I’m not the cool rocker girl he thinks I am. I’m just an immature, pathetic Omega that has access to leather jackets and hair dye.
The negative thoughts don’t stop. When they’re not imagining worst case scenarios about Alvin, they’re reminding me of all my faults.
It’s hell.
The sobs that escape me are pathetic. I cry until I hiccup, warm tears streaming down my face and snot pooling in my nose.
Disgusting.
I used to cry like this as a child, when it was just me and Avery.
I used to stay up at night and worry that he would get sick and leave me all alone.
I was obsessed with something bad happening to him, no matter how many times he would assure me it was fine.
Every cough startled me. Every sneeze sent me into a spiral.
And I knew it wasn’t normal. Iknewthat, even as a child, but I couldn’t stop the obsessing.
It’s just transferred over to all the cats.
Now, my worst fear has happened to Alvin.
Logan and Blair both assured me that he would be okay, but the words felt hollow. How could they promise something like that?
What if what if what if
I force myself to get up. My side is numb from being on it awkwardly, but I stumble to my feet and trudge to my bedroom, hoping the wave of emotions have subsided for now.
But Alvin’s face fills my head, and that familiar, unwelcome pain pulls at my chest again.
“Fuck!” I rub at my eyes, then collapse at the edge of my bed and put my face in my hands.
I’m furious at my own reaction.
