I wished my scary ass carried a gun. I rush into the kitchen and grab a big butcher knife, which I hide in the folds of my robe so CJ doesn’t see it as I pass him up again on the way to the door.
My heart pounds in my chest as I pull the peephole back. Relief saturates every part of my body when I see that it’s Chaos standing on the other side of the door.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I ask, pulling it open wider for him to enter.
CJ jumps off the couch, realizing his daddy is here, and he shouts in excitement. Chaos lifts our son into his arms and kisses his head before he puts him in a headlock.
“I came to bring this,” he answers, removing a small brown packet from a bag that he’s holding.
“What’s this?”
“Open it.”
He closes the door behind him as I walk to the couch. I unwrap the packet to see a picture of Chaos and CJ. I smile at the image and stroke their faces.
“What’s wrong with that picture?” Chaos asks in a gravelly tone.
“Nothing,” I reply, staring at it and then at him. I turn the picture over in my hands a couple of times and then repeat, “Nothing.”
“Wrong. Look at it again.”
“I did, Chaos. What’s wrong?”
“You. You’re not in there with us.”
I frown, and he kneels in front of me.
“Charisma, I love you, but I don’t think you know why. It’s not just because we’ve known each other forever and have a kid together. I love you because you are my peace, and you make me feel that I am worthy of being loved. You make me want a better life, and I want you to birth more of my children. There’s not a woman in the world worthy of that job but you. You’re my friend, my confidante, and my lover. No woman has ever helped me to find wholeness the way that you have.”
My heart swells up, and I squeeze my eyes close before opening them again. “You’re going to make me cry. I’m sorry that I left, Chrishon. I love you. It was just so hard. So many things happened, and I was scared and confused. These last couple of weeks have been so hard. All I’ve wanted was to be back in your bed again, cooking in your kitchen with you, and watching TV on the couch with you. I love you, too, baby. I’m so sorry.”
Chaos leans forward and kisses me before he reaches inside of the bag again and removes a leather jacket.
“What’s this?”
“Get up and try it on. I wanna see how it fits.”
I flip it over and see the rocker on the back of the cut and my nickname “Venom” emblazoned under it, along with a patch that’s affiliated with him.
Underneath the rocker is a patch that says, “Property of Chaos.”
“Go on, girl. Try it on.”
“That’s pretty, Mama,” CJ signs as I try it on.
It fits perfectly, and I can’t help but cry.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” CJ signs before he hugs me and kisses my cheek.
I hug him and then lean back and sign to him, but I speak the words aloud so that Chaos knows what I’m saying.
“I’m crying because your daddy loves me, and I love him right back. And we both love you so much.”
CJ signs that he loves us, too, and Chaos pulls me up and stands with me. He kisses me deeply, but he’s careful not to overdo it in CJ’s presence. When he finishes, he reaches down and lifts our son into his arms, and we all share a hug. This feels good, and it reminds me of what I was missing at the playground earlier today. This is what I want for CJ’s life, and for mine and Chrishon’s.
When we were kids, we were both missing out on something so amazing. He was missing a consistent, stable environment with his father in it, loving his mama. I was missing a mother who gave a damn and wanted to teach her daughter morals and values.
I vow not to let CJ miss out on any of those things. I believe that no matter what Chaos and I must go through, we can work it out together.
