“What shit?”
I climb into the bed and pull the covers over me as I grab her and pull her close.
“No one will be coming for you again.”
She scoots down under the covers with me and stares into my eyes.
“What does that mean?”
I tell her everything. “Listen, I understand if you want to leave. I get that you can’t deal with shit like this, but this is my life. So, if you want to go, you can go any time that you want to. You’re free to walk out that door.”
She props up on one elbow and stares down at me. “Are you sure? Is that what you want?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want. I just want you to be happy, secure, and feel safe. If that means being away from me and this lifestyle, I get it.”
“The only thing that I want right now is you, Chaos.” She pulls the covers back, straddles me, and situates her entrance over the head of my dick. When she settles on me, it feels like coming home.
I let my woman ride all the tension and stress out of me that has accumulated over the last few weeks. Her hot pussy drenches me, embraces me, and coaxes me into giving up that nut. When we finally lie down to rest, it is with peace in my heart and mind.
There is only one nagging question though. What did she mean when she said, “The only thing that I want rightnowis you, Chaos”? Will it change in the morning? Next week?
TWO WEEKS LATER
Tears prick my eyelids, though laughter bubbles in my soul. I can’t help but smile at the sweet sound of CJ’s laughter. Having him back has been a godsend. I knew that I missed my baby, but I didn’t realize how much until he came back a week ago.
His innocence is so precious, and all I want to do is protect and preserve that. He talked about his trip to Disney World when he returned, and I was so happy that he had a chance to visit.
I had no idea where he was all that time, but that was a place that I had always wanted to take him to. When I asked Chrishanna how he managed not to leak the fact they were at theone place in the world he wanted to go, she said that he was told it would be a surprise for me. She said that Ice told him that it would make mommy so happy that he was finally able to go, and that I had to work and couldn’t go.
The truth was, I hadn’t been able to afford to take him. It still hurt that I wasn’t the one who could take him on this trip for the first time, but it paled in comparison to seeing the bright smile on his face, and the passion with which he signed when telling me all about his trip and showing me his memorabilia, including the Minnie Mouse ears he bought for me.
We’re at a park a block away from our house, and I’m pushing him on the swing. He’s so full of excitement, love, and passion. CJ is the most beautiful gift to come out of Chaos’s and my relationship.
Thinking of him makes me sad. He had given me my freedom, and I remained in bed with him that night. We made love a couple of times until I exhausted myself and fell asleep. The next morning, we woke up and talked about it some more. I made him breakfast in bed, hung out with him at the club the next afternoon, and he even took me out for dinner later that evening.
But three days later, I felt that I couldn’t breathe. My anxious thoughts were driving me insane. Every sound had me antsy and jumpy. I was wondering if, somehow, Ben was coming after me, or maybe someone he was affiliated with. I was terrified that he would kill Chaos if he found us together.
Eventually, Chaos saw my nervous energy. He asked me about it, and I was honest with him. I could see the hurt in his eyes. He didn’t like the fact that I was anxious because of him. It hurt him that he was the cause of anything not being right within me.
He told me that he was heading to the club, and he said that he loved me, but he wouldn’t hold me to unrealisticexpectations. He asked me to do him one favor: turn off the lights when I left. When I asked what he was talking about, he said that he couldn’t be there and watch me go.
He left the apartment without another word.
It took me three hours before I finally gathered the courage to leave and head back to my place. I have been home since, but I’m missing him so badly. There’s a gaping hole in my chest that even CJ’s return could not fill.
Chaos is the other half of me. He always has been, and he always will be. When we were kids growing up, I was always closer to him than Chrishanna. She was the one I could talk about boys with. Everything else that I did or talked about, I did it with Chrishon.
I continue pushing CJ on the swing. I thought that Chaos would be here sharing these moments with me. CJ has spent time with his father since he’s been back, but Chrishanna takes CJ to him at his place. I’ve been struggling with making peace with what he said about Angelique. I trusted her, and it hurts to know that she only used me.
“God, I want Chaos so bad,” I whisper.
It’s not until CJ hops off the swing and reaches his arms up for me that I realize that I’m crying. When I kneel to hug him, my baby wipes my tears away.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” he signs.
“I miss your daddy,” I sign back.
“Go see him. He’s home.”
