“And the women, I’m sure.”
He bobs his head, and a streak of jealousy flows through me.
“If you’re asking if I remained abstinent the past five years, the answer is no.”
“Why did you leave me?”
He sighs and relaxes further back on the couch with a grunt.
“It wasn’t about you. Some trouble arose, and I had to get out of dodge for a while.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“You remember that old saying that curiosity killed the cat? Don’t be poking your nose in everything, girl. It’s not good for you. You ain’t got nine lives.”
I pull my legs up on the couch and turn sideways to face him. Resting my arm on the back of the couch, I prop my head into my palm and stare at him. I decide to let my guard down just a little, hoping that he will do the same.
“No. I just care, that’s all. I missed you, Chaos. I loved you, and I was heartbroken. It wasn’t easy doing all this without you. In my heart, I knew you would have been a good father to CJ.You would have taken great care of him, helped me navigate his healthcare, and been a wonderful advocate for him.”
Chaos leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. He clasps his hands together, and it’s almost like he’s gone into another world. His back is to me, and when I reach out to touch it, he doesn’t respond. He’s silent for so long that I can feel him shutting me out again. When he speaks, it’s not the fact that he’s talking again that catches me by surprise; it’s his explanation that he gives that steals the breath from my lungs. A simple misunderstanding and miscommunication have kept the man that I love away from me for five years, has kept him out of our son’s life.
“I had a job to do that night, and shit went wrong. Someone got killed. Anyway, I uhm, . . . knew I fucked up when it happened. I had nowhere else to turn. I was supposed to be meeting with you anyway, so I ran to you to get my head straight before I hit Priest up. It was a difficult decision, coming to you, because I knew you would be disappointed. You wanted me to leave this life anyway, but I had nowhere else to turn.
“I saw you with your ex that night. I figured you were fed up with me since you had been riding my ass about leaving the street life and the MC. We had so many arguments about it, and I told you that I wasn’t doing that, because they were the ones who saved me when my old man died. You were always threatening to leave me, if I didn’t leave them.
“You said you were tired of me choosing them over you. We argued about it the night before. So, when I saw you two together that night at your place, I figured you chose him. I thought that was what you wanted to meet with me for, to break up with me. I get it. You always did go for the clean-cut types, and that’s who Darrel was. I guess you got your wish after all.”
His voice is thick with emotion, but he still has his back to me. I don’t care. I move behind him on the couch, and I wrap my arms and legs around him, and I press my face against his back.
“Chrishon, nothing could be further from the truth. Why would I be creeping with my ex, when I knew that you were supposed to be there later that night? I had planned to tell you that I was pregnant. I was scared, but I was so excited because I knew you were going to be a wonderful father, and we would raise our kid together. I thought that CJ would be enough to make you quit the MC, but then you just disappeared.”
His back tightens, and he sits up, forcing me to release him.
“From where I sat, you’d made your choice. I had been telling you to tell your ex to kick mud for a minute, and the fact that he was still coming around, I figured you had made your choice. I had beat that nigga’s ass, and he still came around. Yeah, I was done with it. You made your choice, Charisma.”
“I did, . . . you. I always chose you, Chaos. You meant the world to me. All I ever wanted was to make you happy because you were so special. I loved you with all my heart.”
“Then why was he there that night?”
“He was coming to tell me about a job offer that aligned with my goals.”
“What job?” The doubt in his voice is evident.
“The one that I still have. My podcast is in the top twenty in the country for its genre.”
He nods and replies, “That’s wassup.”
“I only did as well as I did because you always poured into me. You taught me to believe in myself, Chaos, when I didn’t know how. You believed in me and made me feel special. You showed me that I had so much more to offer the world than just my body.
“It didn’t matter what my mother said; you showed me how smart and talented that I was. I wouldn’t be doing any of thiswithout you. You saw the real me, and for that, I say thank you. No matter what you chose to do in life, you have always been a gift to this world because of who you truly are.”
“Then maybe it was best I went away. Doubt you would’ve accomplished all that if I’d still been around, no matter what I said to you.”
“Why would you say something like that?”
“Come on, Charisma. We both know that I was always destined to follow in my father’s footsteps. I’m rapidly approaching the age my father was when he was killed.”
“That doesn’t have to be your legacy. You can create a new one for yourself and CJ. You are a powerful, beautiful man who has so much to offer so many people. The anger, the bitterness, and the rage that was inside of you was nothing more than the pain you held inside from losing your daddy. You weren’t that person before. I know that the beautiful boy I met still exists. You know how I know? Because I see him in our son. He’s the epitome of you. You gave me the best gift in the world, Chaos.”
