“This is a nice little hike,” I huffed out a breath.
“Try doing it in the winter when the sidewalks are covered in ice.” Hayden laughed. “It was a miracle if you never slipped and fell at least once. Cowboy boots probably weren’t the best footwear because they have no traction whatsoever, but that was all I wore.”
“I probably would have fallen all the time and embarrassed myself,” I admitted.
“Couldn’t have been worse than when I saw someone slip and fall while riding their bike across campus in the winter. Don’t know what they were thinking, but it made for a good laugh. Maybe all the times I slipped were karma for laughing.” He closed his eyes and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he reminisced.
I tried to imagine myself as a student, what my life could have been like if I’d gone to college with Hayden. Maybe we would have held hands while he walked me to class, even if it made him late to his own. We’d meet up for lunch in the dining hall and train together in the student athletic center.
But then I remembered why I couldn’t have gone to SGU.
That was the thing about what-ifs, nonsensical daydreams, romantic delusions. They always disappointed you in the end.
“I never actually gave you a tour of the campus when you were here. This building over here”—he pointedto a tall brick building surrounded by cottonwood trees—“was where I had my Introductory Algebra class.”
As he talked about the building, my eyes scanned our surroundings. I froze, a black metal bench beneath a tree that forked in two directions catching my eye. It had only been five years, of course the campus hadn’t changed that much. Of course that damned bench would still be there.
“Sierra?” Hayden turned around, concern painting his features. “Are you okay?”
It was as though I had tunnel vision, everything around me blurring so my eyes could only focus on that bench and tree.
Hayden always said we never kept secrets from each other, never lied, but what were you supposed to do when you finally had the person you wanted most in the world after being ripped apart time after time—after you let them slip through your fingers like sand? What were you supposed to say when you were the one who let them fall after promising you’d always catch them?
I wouldn’t have forgiven me if I were him.
I didn’t know if he would if he really knew the truth of why I left again and again.
SGU’s campus was beautiful this time of year, autumn colors covering the landscape like a Renaissance painting.
The last of the court dates had been earlier in the summer, and the court found my father guilty of his charges. He was going to prison this time. There was always the chance he could get out, but for now, temporary relief washed over me.
I didn’t need to be here, probably shouldn’t have come back, but Iwanted to see Hayden. Surprise him. Make up for the last time I snuck out of his room without a word.
This time things could be normal. We could be happy.
That night in April, I lay on Hayden’s chest, feeling his breaths slow until he fell asleep. Then my phone lit up with a text. A reality check that Hayden wouldn’t be safe as long as my dad was around.
And I knew I had to go.
No matter how much I wanted him, how much I needed him, I knew I could never have him. Even though he owned a piece of my soul, there’d always be a part of me that wanted better for him. Knew he deserved better.
I hadn’t talked to him since, and maybe it was selfish of me to show up here now, but it was like Hayden and I were connected by an invisible thread. I could never stray too far without his heart tugging mine back.
I caught a glimpse of him ahead, and I started jogging toward him, resisting the urge to call out his name like we were in high school again.
But then I realized he was with someone. Hugging someone, embracing someone in his arms.
A girl.
She was pretty, with long brunette hair and a smile that sparkled even from three hundred feet away. The way she was looking at him…I recognized it.
It was how I always wished I could look at him. How I wished I could be the person he deserved, someone who could love him without fear.
Even though my father was gone, I couldn’t promise nothing would happen ever again.
Or worse, that I wouldn’t be the one to hurt him.
What if I turned out to be a monster? What if, by not choosing to do whatever it took to protect Hayden, I was no better than the man who was supposed to shield me from the horrors of the world?
