There’s a light on across the street
My sheets feel too heavy for my body.
There’s a kitten snoring on the pillow next to me.
Oh, and Viv’s not here.
Nothing’s been right since she’s been gone. And yeah, it wasn’t perfect before, but it was a hell of a lot better then than it is now. Everything in this room reminds me of her, of us. I’ve still got her body wash in my shower, for fuck’s sake, and she’s got half my hoodies in her closet.
Our lives were intertwined, and I don’t know how to separate them. I know that getting out of this house for a few days will help. My bags are packed. The trouble is, I haven’t decided where yet. The guys all know what happened, and they know I’ve been a sad sack of shit lately. Easter break is about to start, so Ollie invited me and a bunch of the guys up to his family’s cabin. It’s gonna be one long drunkfest, and honestly, that doesn’t sound too bad.
But the freshmen guys rented a place by the lake, and that sounds pretty good, too. I said yes to everyone, so maybe I’ll just close my eyes and pick a car and that will be my decision.
Sounds like a plan.
I roll over in bed, trying to find the cool spot, but all I find is Viv’s pillow.
Fuck my fucking life.
Why did I have to push things? Why did I have to be such a dick? What we had was great. It was good. It was fine. It was better than this. But I wanted more than she could give and I couldn’t be patient about it. Of course, I couldn’t. I’m impulsive. That’s my whole damn brand. But look where it got me.
Everyone knows what their future is going to look like. Except but me.
I close my eyes, but about two seconds later, Frank the kitten starts snoring again. It’s adorable, usually. But not at three in the morning. I could kick his furry little ass out of bed, but what good would that do? I still wouldn’t be able to sleep.
Recognizing that truth, I roll back over and reach for my laptop. If I’m going to be awake, I might as well be productive.
Blue sent me a shit ton of information about free agency, and a list of lawyers who can act as advisors. I don’t really know what the fuck that means, but I guess these guys could advise me about it.
I haven’t gone through anything yet because I find this kinda stuff to be completely overwhelming, but I’ve got nothing else to do right now, so here I go.
After an hour of trying to sort through everything, I feel more overwhelmed than when I started. And that’s not fair. I even made a fucking spreadsheet with formulas and everything.
There’s just so much to learn. So much to decide. So fucking many places and levels to play hockey.
At this point, though, I don’t know what I should do. Maybe I’ll just come back to school in the fall, take the classes I’m supposed to, play a year of hockey, and then decide on my future? I mean, I’ll be looking at the same shit then, but at least I won’t have to look at it now.
I have no clue what to do. I only know that I love hockey and that I want to keep playing it. But holy fuckballs, I don’t know if I’ve got what it takes to make it in this league.
Frank left my side long ago, so I decide to close up shop and get some sleep. I even decide to close my tabs because I’ve got about a million of them open on my screen right now. I close them down, one by one, and it takes for fucking ever. See? This is why I always leave them open.
But then one catches my eye. I saw it earlier, but it barely registered. Now, though? It’s like a flashing neon light.
It might be the answer to my prayers.
Hell, it might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. Nah, with all the stupid shit I’ve done, this won’t even make the top ten.
With a few more clicks, I book a hotel room and a flight.
Looks like I know where I’m going for Easter break after all.
27
Viv
Ifucked up. I know I did. Everyone knows I did.
But I still stand by what I said. We weren’t dating.
