“Us, this.” Milo halts, he waves his hand between us.
“What about us?” I cock my hip out to the side feelingverydefensive, and I don’t even know why. Milo looks at me with his head cocked to the side, and his eyes widened inayou can’t be seriousway. I wait him out, tilting my headin a similar fashion.
He scoffs and resumes pacing. After only a few steps he stops again, and turning on me he says, “Why don’t you treat me like you do the others?”
Taken aback by his question I furrow my brow, shaking my head in denial. “What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean.” Milo stands to his full height, looking down at me from across the room with his bulky arms folded over his chest. The sight of him standing against me gives me a sour taste in the back of my throat. He thinks I treat him differently? If I do, it’s only out of respect for his wishes. I don’t want to force a relationship with him.
When I don’t immediately answer, he accuses, “See, you can’t even deny it.”
“You’re not giving me anything to deny Milo.” My voice is rising to meet his.
“I feel like I’m always playing catch up. You had a connection to Ares the moment you saw him, it was obvious to all of us.” I don’t bother trying to deny his words. They’re the absolute truth, from the first moment I met Ares there was something there.
But I felt exactly the same when I met him, and the others. I was just too afraid to admit it, even to myself.Milo continues, “I wanted to give you the time Dante thought you needed. Let you gets to know us, but the only thing that did was push you closer to them.”
“Milo, I’ve already told you I wanted that with you. That I wanted to get to know you better.” My voice is calm, even, compared to his. All I want is for him to let me in, but he’s the one always pushing me away.
“That’s what you say, but that’s not what you do. You practically run into Dante’s arms when you see him. And forget about Ollie and Ares.” Milo says their names with an eye roll.
Suddenly feelingverydefensive again, I counter, “I try to get close to you, talk to you, but you’re always putting someone between us. Ollie asks to take me to work alone so we have a few minutes together, Ares never hides his affection for me. You don’t do that.”
“I don’t want to push you!” Milo’s eyes go round, and his chin juts forward. He’s yelling at me.
I narrow my eyes at him. “You’re standing here furious with me because what, I kiss Ares more than you? News flash Milo, he and the others have made it clear they want that.” I raise my brow at him. I’m not at his level of yelling, but I’m not backing down either.
“But I’m not included?”
“How am I supposed to know you’d want that from me?” I throw my hands up in the air,
they fall back to the side of my thighs with a slap.
“How could you not know I’d want that?” Milo looks down at the ground, his voice muchlower, almost like he’s talking to himself.
“I don’t know what you want Milo, because you’ve never told me, never showed me. Ares isso open about his affection. He makes me feel like I could walk up to himat any timeand kiss him and he would accept it. Hell, want it.” I grab my right wrist with my left, holding my arms in front of my body.
“You don’t make me feel like that. There’s a small piece of me that thinks if I wereto ever go to you, especially if someone was around, you would push me away, reject me.”Releasing my hands, I rub them over my face. “So I don’t open myself up to you like that, because I’m afraid you don’t really want me to.” The confession comes from me with a hint of exhaustion. I walk over to the bed, the only real place to sit, and drop onto the low mattress.
Milo stands inplace, not moving and barely breathing, as he stares out into space. After a few moments of his stunned silence he moves. It begins with a slight shaking of his head in denial. His eyes settle on mine, and the tight line of his jaw and the wayhis lips are pulled into a flat line, make me think he wants to refuse my claim. He surprises me by saying, “I don’t want you to feel that way. I want you to know you can cometo me,just like you can go to the others.” Milo rolls his neck back and forth a few times, and his body relaxes as he does.
It seems he used the time he spent thinking about what I said to calm himself, since he’s no longer yelling, and doesn’t seem nearly as agitated. After the quick stretches he comes and sits next to me on the bed, leaving enough space between uswhere we could reach out and still not touch.
“You kinda have a funny way of showing it,” I comment with a little chuckle, hoping to furtheralleviate the tension in the room. My words fall a little flat as he continues to stare at me.
“Do you really think that I would push you away?” He sounds vulnerable, almostlike he doesn’t want to hear my answer, butasked the question anyway.
I shrug, looking down at my fingernails. “I don’t know Milo, kinda. You’re always so distant. You never ask to sleep next to me.” My cheeks flush, but I continue anyway. “Never ask or try to spend any time alone with me. Most of the time I feellikeyou’re being forced into an arrangementyou don’t want to be in, but don’t really have a choice in, either.” I look up, watching him to see his reaction. Will he be mad?
Anger is the last thing I’d guess he’s feeling, because Milo looks almost wounded by my words.His lips are turned down in a frown, and the corners of his eyes have even fallen. “Laura…” He shakes his head again, this time in disbelief. “I really was trying to give you space and time to adjust. Ares never even really gave you a choice to accept him or not, and I get it. He’d given up hopehe would ever have a synergist, so I don’t blame him for it or anything,” Milo rushes, defending his words like I might take offense. “And Ollie,”Miloactuallyrolls his eyes, “don’t even get me started on him. He was almost as bad as Ares, but sneakier about it.” I can hear the affection he has in his voice, for his friend? I still feel like there’s more to their relationship. Milo turns, angling his knee on the bed so he’s facing me more.
“I know it might seem strange, but the way Ares just pushed right past any boundaries I might have set up was kinda comforting. It was like from the beginning I knew he would always be there, like we were already an inevitable conclusion.” I bite my lip, it’s weird voicing my thoughts out loud. I’ve never really had to analyze these things.
“Maybe that’s where I made the mistake then? I didn’t give you the reassurancethatI wasn’t going anywhere either.”
Leaning over enoughso I can wrap my fingers over Milo’s arm, I tell him, “It wasn’t a mistake Milo. Youdidn’t do anything wrong.” I pull back and place my hand behind me on the bed. “I think I was trying to do the same for you. I didn’t want to be the one to force you into being with me. This thing, this relationship, is far from what I ever imagined for myself.” I look at the wall since I can’t look at him while I’m talking about this, but we need to talk about it.
“I never even really had friends Milo, and then these three beautiful boys came along and told meI’m who they’ve been waiting for—me. It was almost more than I could ever even hope for, and then I find out there’s another one of you.” I shake my head thinking back to how confused I felt in the beginning.
