CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
RILEY
I hunch over as I walk down the street, fists shoved in my jean pockets, walking fast in case Finn tries to follow me.
As though I didn’t hate today enough already, I had to go and act like an asshole to Finn.
Last person I want to see right now. What the fuck is wrong with me? He’s the only person I want to see, and nowI’m sure I hurt his feelings, and I can’t forgive myself for that.
Seeing him during this low moment of total rejection was just more than I could handle. I’d been waiting twenty minutes for MorningEnthusiast, and it finally dawned on me that the guy must have taken one look at me and headed for the hills. Figures. I’ve always known I could lose a good thing like this by trying to make it personal. This is the cost I expected to pay.
Then Finn walked in. For one delusional second, I thought he was arriving because he was the man behind the letters. That annoying little fantasy where Finn and MorningEnthusiast are the same person had come true, and I was so fucking happy about it, I feel sick now.
Because the fantasy isn’t true. Finn wasn’t wearing a flower, and he wouldn’t be twenty minutes late, either. Neither would MorningEnthusiast. I know them both too well to expect that,not without a message. The fact that Finn did walk in at that moment was just another coincidence between the two of us, a cruel irony to rub my face in how much of a loser I am when it comes to guys and romance and any of this bullshit.
He smiled, and it practically wrecked me. I couldn’t stand there and hold it together. I just couldn’t.
Going to have to seriously apologize to him for being such a rude ass. I hope I didn’t ruin all the progress I’ve made.
I hop on my bike. Instead of heading back toward the gayborhood, I cruise out of the city.
The motor rumbles between my legs. The sun is bright on the other side of my goggles, and I speed up as I hit the open road.
Freedom. Escape.
I roar down the highway, and it’s like flying.
Nothing can bother me when I’m on my bike. Here, I’m not lonely. I’m a rebel, out on my own because I want to be. Because I don’t need anyone else to feel happy. Because this is the life I’ve chosen for myself.
I grip the handles tight, tears burning in my eyes, but I don’t let them fall, refusing to acknowledge that the pain could find me even here on the open road.
Somewhere in the forest outside the city, I pull over and remove my helmet and gloves. I start to second-guess myself, consider that MorningEnthusiast could have had an accident. He could be hurt, not ditching me. I quickly open up my messages to see if he’s sent word along, an explanation for his absence.
Nothing. And I feel like a fool again for hoping.
It’s not until well past midnight that I finally return to the city. The streets are full, the warm summer evening bringing everyone out. During Pride, I let myself consider what it would be like to live here. Now, though, I feel impossibly far away from it all, broken off from the community.
Liberty Garage might have repaired their reputation, but I can’t imagine why Finn would have any more patience for me after my little display at the café. I can’t even try to explain myself, considering it would mean sharing about my secret pen pal with him, which would be unbearably painful. Way more vulnerable than I’ve been with just about anyone, not even Chase.
I sit on the couch, check my email again, and when I see that it’s empty, crack a beer.
He ditched me.
And I was rude to Finn.
I’m not even sure which of the guys I’m more upset about. Typical me, that I’ve somehow managed to fuck up two relationships when I didn’t even have a single one to begin with.
The next day, I don’t get into the garage until late, and Chase must see from my face that the date didn’t go well. He gives me space to work and stew in my feelings, exactly what I need. My mood is loud enough to keep the rest of the mechanics at arm's length, too.
The only glitch is during lunch, when Chase announces that the rest of the block has sent back a friendly letter and an offer to make changes on their end, too. It’s good news, even though it stings to think about Finn. When Chase tells us that we’re invited to an ice cream social tomorrow afternoon, I feel myself flush.
Finn and I are supposed to meet up in the next couple days to talk solutions for the block. I need to find a way to push past this emotional disaster enough that I can hold it together and apologize to him properly. If I hurt his feelings, though, I’m not sure how I’ll forgive myself.
I stay in the back of the shop, busying myself with work until late. When I finally work over to The Scoop, Kenneth tells me Finn is already gone for the day. We’re usually so up in eachother’s faces whether we want to be or not, we haven’t even exchanged numbers, so I can’t call him, either.
At night, I don’t bother to check my messages, knowing that I won’t be hearing from MorningEnthusiast. Any fantasies otherwise are just me prolonging the pain. Instead, I turn on an old season ofDr. Whoand lie there like a log, staring at it blankly until I fall asleep.
The next day, I get in late again. It’s soon after time for the ice cream social, and I nearly walk home instead. Without having found a time to apologize to Finn, I can’t show my face there. Chase catches me in the office, though, and finally decides to break through the wall of silence I’ve been hiding behind.
