It’s not going to go well. I know that. But I appreciate Gabriel’s encouragement, and knowing I have him waiting for me on the other side makes this all so much easier.
My life today looks nothing like it did when I last saw my father. But in some ways, that barely matters. The man lives behind a brick wall from me. Even at our closest, he’s always been distant. Cold and hard.
He doesn’t know me now, but in a lot of ways, he never did know me at all.
After my post-workout lunch, I gather my courage and drive to his house after first texting Alyssa and Gabriel to tell them I’m on the way.
My emotions are all over the place. The French Open, the first Grand Slam of the season, is just around the corner. There’s so much excitement in my life, so much newness and joy. With Gabriel, everything feels possible.
But I’m driving to the house where I grew up, and it might be my last time ever visiting. My father’s been silent for months, and it makes me so angry, but I still just want to hear his voice.
Despite everything, I don’t want to lose him.
It’s a cloudy day, and I zip up my windbreaker as I walk the stone path to his front door. I try the bell first. The lights are on in the exact rooms I expected, and in my mind’s eye, I can see him peering through the blinds to spot my vehicle, parked at the street.
Frustration rising, I pound the butt of my fist against the door. Hard.
“Dad,” I yell. “Open up!”
Nothing.
My heart is pounding. All the fury and hurt I’ve buried for years is bubbling to the surface. I’ve done so much to try to please this man, but he’ll never accept me.
I don’t let the emotions crack through to the surface. I’m not going to give him the satisfaction. Gabriel’s helped me realize that I deserve to be happy. That I deserve a full life, just like everyone does.
Now it’s time for me to make that life real.
Even if I have to lose my father in the process.
I pound one more time. “There’s a letter here,” I say, my voice loud and clear as I slide the envelope under the door. “You won’t hear from me again. But please read it.” I stand there, heart heavy, before I turn and walk away. “Goodbye,” I say to myself.
Somehow, I hold it together on the ride home. I’m numb and exhausted, not really thinking. Once I walk inside and see Gabriel waiting for me, though, I choke, unable to bury the pain any longer.
“Fuck,” I say.
Gabriel comes straight to me. “What did that fucker say?” he asks, grabbing my shoulders. He looks at me and pulls me into a firm embrace. “Are you okay?”
My eyes are wet. In Gabriel’s arms, I finally have a full release. My breath shakes, and I squeeze him back, letting him hold my weight as I let out a heavy, steady cry.
“He didn’t say anything,” I finally answer. “But I know he heard me. I left the letter.”
Gabriel shakes his head. “He didn’t even answer the door,” he says, his voice dripping with judgment.
Because I want to see his face, I lean back. “It’s done,” I tell him. “It’s over.”
He strokes my cheek with the back of his knuckles. “How do you feel?”
“Sad. Relieved.” I shrug lightly. “Numb. Like I could use a distraction.”
“Funny you should say that.” Gabriel offers a crooked smile. “I’m the guy in charge of distractions around here. And I came up with a particularly distracting one earlier.”
I can’t help but smile back. “Oh yeah?”
“Alyssa messaged me some talking points for the Zel photo,” he says, “and we got to talking. Long story short, I’ve got a private plane chartered and waiting at the airport. Would you like to join her for dinner in New York?”
I stare at him for a second before breaking out laughing. “Excuse me. We can’t seriously charter a private jet to New York for dinner. That’s extravagant.”
Gabriel scoffs. “Um, I’m a rock star. And Alyssa and I both agreed you should be with your people today.”
