I sigh. “Now I’m out of the closet,” I tell her as I stab at the pancakes, “but I haven’t changed my mind about anything else. I’m not going to make room in my life for a relationship, not at this point in my career. I’ve come too far and achieved too much to rock the boat now. That means this drunken mistake with a cocky rock star is probably going to be my most significant relationship for a long time, if not forever.”
“You’re the only one who can decide whether that’s true or not. And like I always say, there will be life after your tennis career as well. You tend to forget that.” She starts with some of the egg white, eating carefully with a napkin on her lap, just like me. “You know, I’m impressed. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
I huff. “I don’t know what I had in me, either.”
She laughs loudly. “Maybe a dildo and a butt plug, from what you told me over the phone.”
I squirm. “It’s unsettling, not knowing what I did that night.”
My friend gives me a sympathetic nod. “I’d find that bothersome, too. I assume you weren’t too physically uncomfortable the next morning.”
I shake my head. “Nothing like that. Outside of some hickeys on my chest, I wouldn’t even know what had happened except for the naked guitarist.”
“But you’re sure you had sex?”
“We were naked. And you’ve already recalled the dildo.”
“A dildo isn’t exactly a smoking gun. Especially if it wasn’t lubricated. Was it?”
I close my eyes, my head spinning. “I don’t know,” I admit. The reminder that we didn’t necessarily consummate the marriage should bring relief, but instead, I’m hit with another wave of confusing, frustrating emotions, too tangled to sort through. “Maybe it doesn’t even matter at this point.”
Alyssa pours creamer in her mug. “It matters if it matters to you. But lets focus on things that we can fix right now. The good news isLive & Latewill be a great photo opportunity for you two if you do decide to fake it. And the afterparty is fun. I’d go myself if I didn’t have a date next Saturday.”
“A date?” I ask, my ears perking up. She’s been single for a while, but sometimes muses that she might be interested in getting back into dating soon.
Alyssa shrugs as she chews her spinach and then swallows. “I still haven’t figured out how to do this. Having a public profile and seeking out a submissive couple at the same time is complicated. Frankly, sometimes it feels impossible.” She returns to her coffee. “But a cute baseball player asked me out. I figured I’d let him buy me dinner and keep an open mind. You never know.”
“I support the optimism,” I say with a smile.
Alyssa glances at her phone. “Now you need to talk to Gabriel about continuing the marriage,” she says. “But aside from that, maybe a coming-out interview with a sports magazine is warranted? Something like that?”
“We released a statement,” I point out. It basically just says that I’m gay, and yes, I married Gabriel last week, and asks for some privacy.
“What about a gay magazine?” she asks hopefully. Quickly, she adds, “Think about it. Good to own this.”
I sigh. “Right.” Eyeing my spinach and eggs, I turn to the stack of pancakes between us instead and quickly shovel some on my plate, figuring I deserve a treat.
“You know, you’re usually one of my easiest clients,” she says. “Charity galas. Awards. Tennis matches. Neat and tidy.”
“I’m still neat and tidy.”
She laughs. “I know you are, Spencer. And you’ll get through this. I promise.”
I pour on the maple syrup. “One day at a time,” I mutter.
CHAPTERSIX
GABRIEL
“Look at that.The happy newlywed, live in New York City.”
I glance up with a grin, glad to see a familiar face. I’m in an old sound studio, messing around with my guitar and getting ready for my set. Marco stands in the doorway, a drumstick twirling in his hand.
“Shit, how long has it been since I saw you?” I ask. “Last summer?”
It used to be that I gave my heart away too easily. Ever since I swore off relationships, though, it’s been fairly easy to avoid real attachments.
Just so long as I keep my flings casual, hold everyone at a comfortable distance, I don’t forget myself.
