“Yeah, but with like, gross lizards in swamps. I didn’t know you’d be so good at this too.”
“At least the salamanders didn’t give me sass.”
I laugh and surprise her with a hug. “You love my sass. That’s why you asked me to narrate your film! Or at least I assume that’s why.”
She grumbles something under her breath that I can’t make out and playfully shoves my shoulder. “You want to go over the notes before we start?”
“What if we jumped right in?” I ask, rubbing my hands. “Get a take before I overthink it?”
Meg nods. “Do your thing, Cubby.”
I plop down onto the love seat. It takes me a minute to find my position and figure my angle out with the camera, but when Meg gives me a brief nod, I know I’ve hit my spot.
I haven’t memorized a script, mainly because I don’t need to. There are a million things I want to say to the world, speeches and rants I’ve already given a million times to myself and my friends, all these ideas bubbling inside me. So instead of getting nervous about what I’m about to do—this monumental step toward realizing my dreams—I just open my mouth and go for it.
“Hi, friends! It’s Cubby! Coming to you from a summer lake house in the mountains.” I offer a wide smile, my heart fluttering, and lay my hands on my knee as I arch my back. “Welcome to my new channel!”
I shift my pose slightly, drawing on years of selfie-taking to keep the shot interesting. “I’m so excited to share my summer with you all! I want to start out today by talking about body image and telling you a little about my experience as a gay guy who is kind of feminine, kind of masculine, and all Cubby.”
I laugh at my own dorkiness, then turn and nod toward the lake. “My whole life, I’ve been interested in a lot of stereotypically masculine things. Stuff like fixing cars, carpentry, and getting outdoorsy. Stuff I really wanted to experience and learn, but, because of who I am, never really could.”
Leaning forward, I work hard to open myself up and push through any lingering insecurities. “Girly guys don’t always get invited on fishing trips, at least not in my family. And sometimes, when you’re busy teaching yourself how to sew off YouTube, people assume you don’t want to learn woodworking too.” I let the words sit in the air, deciding whether to say more, but cut myself off by tossing my hair back.
Best to save the hard stuff for later, once the vlog has some dedicated subscribers.
“Which brings us to today’s theme.” I wave my hand in the air like I’m holding a wand, gesturing to where Meg will add in animated text later. “My big hairy butt.”
I grin, holding the pose indicating where the words will flash and spin.
“What does my big hairy butt have to do with the fact that my high school woodshop teacher was a bully?” I ask, then stand. “A lot, to tell you the truth. Because for years, I thought all the different parts of me were wrong together. Some other gays guys my age were effeminate and dramatic and just plain extra, like I am. But it seemed to me like those guys were all thin twinks with smooth cheeks! And me?”
I untie my robe, and without another thought, let it fall.
“Well, I chose the name Cubby for a reason,” I say with a laugh. “Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve looked like a little bear.”
I strike a new pose, turning to give the camera a generous view of my butt, which is hugged by a pair of pink boxer briefs, the thin fabric clinging deliciously to my curves.
“All through college, I struggled to embrace myself. I tried to fit in all these different shapes, but none of them were me. Meanwhile, as soon as I hid one part of who I am, another quality I didn’t like started coming out again.” I drop my voice to a husky whisper. “And pretending to be someone else totally killed my sex life.”
I hook my fingers around the waistband of my boxer briefs, still glancing over my shoulder to address the camera as I tease what’s to come. “I never had any fun because I was always insecure. About the way I looked, the way I talked, the way I moved. And my butt was the worst culprit of all. I was absolutely convinced that my big hairy butt was the least sexy thing anyone could imagine on a guy with pretty eyes like mine.”
I flutter my eyelashes at the camera, then slowly pull my underwear down, keeping my front covered but letting my cheeks fall out.
My heartbeat jumps. My ass hangs in the air, completely exposed, but I can’t doubt myself now.
“One day, I was getting out of the shower, and I caught myself in the mirror, just like this. I’m not sure what it was. Maybe I’d slept too much or not enough the night before, or maybe I finally just got tired of feeling bad about myself. But for some reason, I saw my reflection, and the truth dawned on me.” I clear my throat dramatically, then give my butt a little wiggle. “My ass is hot.”
I grab a cheek, giving it a teasing squeeze, then a light slap. “It’s my favorite feature. I love how full my cheeks are and how downy the hair is, like little kisses on my curves.” I grab both my cheeks now, giving them each a good squeeze as I laugh. “My butt isn’t wrong for me. It’s a part of me.”
I grin at the camera, then start pulling my underwear back up, wiggling my hips the whole time to amp up the hotness. “Once I understood how ridiculously sexy my big hairy ass was, everything else started changing. I started dressing the way I wanted, showing off all the parts of my body that I like. I started dating people who were into me instead of chasing people who weren’t, and for the first time in my life, I enjoyed the sex I was having. I was actually there, present and into it, instead of worrying the whole time about my performance.”
I snap the underwear up, then spin to face the camera. “It felt good. Like gaining superpowers or winning the lottery good. Eventually, I realized how many other things I haven’t been doing because I thought I wasn’t good enough, or tough enough, or masculine enough, or whatever.”
With another smile, I plop back down on the love seat and cross my ankles. “And so that’s what I’m going to do this summer. I’m going to push myself to go on a journey with my body, and my confidence, and just being Cubby. And I’m going to share it with you because I hope that just maybe, I can help some other people learn to love themselves better too.”
I hold the pose, letting a few seconds tick by, then release a deep breath and fall back against the love seat. “Cut!”
“Cut,” Meg mumbles into the camera.
