Fuck. I need him to choose me.
I roll into Chicago in the middle of the afternoon and steer my bike straight to Red’s place. He’s watching Grace for me, and when I pull up to his house, I spot her and his Staffy, Ruby, rolling around together in the back yard.
My body aches as I hop off the bike, the drive making new knots in my sore back.
Red sticks his head around the side of the house. “Caesar,” he calls out. “Back here.”
I rub my hand across my face, trying to wrestle off the storming emotions, beat them back down into the hole where they’re usually buried. But even when I’m greeting Grace and cracking a beer with Red, I can’t stop thinking about Drew, wondering how he’s doing in that big house all by himself, when I’m going to see him again.
“You look even more pissed off than usual.”
Red has his hand buried in his big white beard. He’s just mowed the lawn, and there’s grass on his legs and sweat dripping down the front of his T-shirt.
I grunt, then take a swig from my can of cheap beer. “Fuck off.”
Red studies me. I know he’s considering whether to push it, see if he can get something out of me. And hell, a part of me wants him to drag the truth out, maybe force me to drive back to Indiana, declare that I’m in love with Drew.
Because goddamn it, I am. That’s not just some late-night thought, some bullshit that popped into my head. I’m in love with the kid, and it’s making me act a fool.
Red must see the frustration on my face, because he holds his hand up, palm facing me. “Okay, okay,” he says, like he’s talking to an angry mutt. “Damn.”
I grit my teeth. “What?”
“You’re prickly,” Red says, then bends and grabs a gnawed bone off the grass, which he tosses to the dogs. “Even for you.”
Of course I’m fucking prickly. I just left the man I love alone despite every one of my instincts demanding I stay right there and take care of him. A week ago, two, I might have even spilled my guts and told Red. But now that I’m back in Chicago, it’s tempting to haul my ass home, throw on a shitty sci-fi movie, and sink back into my lonely routine.
“Long ride. I’m sure I’ll be a ray of sunshine next time I see you.”
He laughs, the noise rough and raspy. “Hell, I’ll be done sticking my nose in your business soon enough. Just make sure I don’t become one of those sad motherfuckers who retires and dies.”
I tighten my brow. “What the hell does that mean?”
Ruby comes running over, the big bone in her mouth, and Red wrestles with her while he talks. “You know, an old guy stops working, stops caring. A year passes, maybe two, and his friends find him dead in his easy chair.” Red growls at Ruby, then yanks the bone away. “Don’t tell me it hasn’t crossed your mind. You’re the one who always says you’ve got more shit to do.”
His words sink in. “It hasn’t crossed my mind like that, actually,” I answer. “Thanks a fucking lot.”
Red laughs and throws the bone. “Hell, my back already kills me after a day of inking.” He looks up to me with a cheeky wink. “You’ll just have to come by and growl at me like an ornery motherfucker sometimes, huh?”
“Yeah,” I say, forcing a chuckle. “If you’re lucky.”
We go on shooting the shit for a while, but I’m too distracted to really offer much because the full truth hits me.
Drew spent his adult life taking care of his ma. If he were truly mine, how much time would we even have until he had to take care of my old ass too?
I strap Grace’s carrier to the back of my bike and slowly cruise home, a time bomb ticking in my brain the whole way. The truth pains me, but I can’t deny it. If I make Drew mine, claim him like I want to, he won’t have many good years before I start falling apart.
It would be one thing if he were another type of man, someone I could push away. But I know Drew, and I know he would stay right there. He’d put everything else on hold just to take care of me, and I can’t allow that.
I might love him and his sweet smile, but that doesn’t mean I’m right for him.
Fuck, why didn’t I think of this before? I should have never let my walls down in the first place. Having Drew was heaven, but I don’t know if anything is going to be worth the hell of losing him.
No, not of losing him. I lost Mack and I lost my family. Drew is going to force me to reject him, and that’s a thousand times worse.
The house is dead quiet when I push through the back door. It’s the way I’m used to things, a darkness that I’ve walked into countless times, but it’s different now.
That little bit of time I had Drew here was enough to make this familiar silence so damn lonely again.
