The one person I can always rely on when I’m in a mess like this is Alexander. If he doesn’t just outright fix my problem, he always at least finds a way to help me feel better. Like when I walked us out of the car at the con, he smiles and goes with the flow.
But I can’t just go to him now. I can’t tell him that I love him right at the same time I might have to ask him for help with rent.
Hey, I want to be your boyfriend, and by the way, I’m broke and unemployed again.
When I get out of work, it’s raining. It’s that summer rain that still feels warm, even though the sky is dark. I naturally don’t have an umbrella, and by the time I walk my bike to the bus, I’m already soaked.
The cold bus air blows on me as I ride across town. I feel defeated and depressed, and I have no idea what’s going to happen when I see Alexander. Should I tell him about my screwup? Caesar saw something in my work that he liked. Maybe he’ll forgive me and give me another chance, and I can just pretend this entire thing never happened.
I’ll always be able to draw. Even if I lose my job. Even if I lose Alexander.
The thought grips me. My chest hurts as the bus rolls down the street. It bounces through a pothole, and the force of it almost shakes something loose in me, but I manage to pull myself together.
I hate hiding the way I’m feeling from Alexander. It’s wrong, but as I walk my bike through the sprinkling rain, I fight to bury the raw emotions that are surging through me.
“Rafael,” he says when I step in the door, then laughs. “Oh no. You’re soaking wet.”
Just seeing my friend does help. The knot in my chest loosens a little, and I smile as I shake water from my hair. “It’s okay. I didn’t have any sketchpads I needed to keep dry,” I say, then frown when I remember the workday.
“Something wrong?”
I shake my head quickly. “No, sorry. Just tired after work.” Usually, I’d strip my wet clothes off right here. I hesitate for a second, I guess just because I’m unsure of everything all of a sudden, but then decide I’m being silly and pull my T-shirt off.
Alexander looks at me, a different smile curling up the corner of his mouth. He likes me with my shirt off, and when we both become aware of ourselves in the same moment, we laugh.
Fuck. Everything feels good and bad at the same time. What in the hell is this?
I hold my shirt loosely in front of me. I’m scared to take him in for a kiss. This is the moment when he can touch my arm and the whole thing will ignite again, and I’m afraid that if he does, I’ll break open.
Alexander frowns. “Here,” he says, then turns and rummages through the laundry bag, which sits on the armchair. “I did laundry today. Here’s something dry.”
“Thanks.” I take off my glasses and change into the fresh clothes, shorts that are cut from an old pair of jeans and one of Alexander’s white T-shirts.
When I put my glasses back on, Alexander and I catch eyes. I step forward first, then him, and then we kiss. It’s soft, but not too quick, and I’m torn between wanting more and needing to pull myself away.
I take his hand. I’m still trying to make sure he has a good experience hooking up, so I decide I need to be clear. “I’m tired, but I want to spend real time with you soon. Can we have a date tomorrow and just chill tonight?”
It’s the first time I’ve called anything between us a “date,” and I think Alexander catches it, too.
“Sure,” he says. “Dads wore me out. I’d love to chill tonight. But I actually have plans tomorrow.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Maybe Friday works?” I nod, and he hesitates, then adds, “I’m just meeting Davis for a quick drink after work tomorrow.”
My skin feels cold, and my heartrate kicks up. I’ve kind of put Davis out of mind, with everything else going on, and Alexander hasn’t mentioned him in quite a while. But of course Alexander is still going to see him. That’s been the plan the whole time.
But if he loves me, if he’s thinking the same things I am, why would he see another guy? It’s painful, thinking he might be into someone else.
Fuck, this hurts.
Alexander is an open book to me, like I am to him, so why are we looking at each other like two suspicious strangers?
“Oh, Davis,” I manage, then choke back my emotions. “Cool.”
Alexander’s expression melts. “We’re not going to hook up or anything,” he says. The look he gives me is so sincere, it makes my chest ache. “While you and I are still doing our thing, I would never hook up with anyone else.” He steps forward, and I think he’s about to say something more, but I’m already about to lose it, so I cut him off.
I just can’t handle hearing any more right now. I’m too scared of what he might say.
