“Weirdo,” I say with a laugh.
Something flashes between us, a truth that I want to believe so bad, I think I can see it on Rafael’s face, but just as quickly we both look away.
We’ve hooked up a few times over the past week, but we’ve never gotten beyond blowjobs. We aren’t pretending like Rafael is teaching me anymore, though.
We just really, really like to go down on each other, turns out.
He pushes the bathroom door open. There’s a bubble bath waiting. He’s lit a few candles, which sit on the edge of the tub, and there’s a glass of water, a glass of wine, and a book waiting with all my soaps and lotions.
“Oh wow,” I say, then laugh.
Rafael kisses my cheek. “I know you want to try anal, and it’s okay if now isn’t the right night. You can still just have a nice bath. But, well, what do you think?”
It’s true. We’ve been clear from the start that this is where we’re going, and now he’s made such a sweet gesture. It kind of takes my breath away. “Rafael, thank you. This is… this is so nice.”
“Yeah? Good.”
His arms go around my shoulders from behind, and I twitch against him. I’m desperate with how badly I want to explore anal with Rafael, but he’s right. I’ve been anxious about it, too, and the good feelings swirl with my nervous energy.
His beard rustles my cheek. “We’ll only do what feels right. You should explore yourself first. That’s the best way to start.”
My heart is pounding. If we’re only doing what feels right, then we should probably get married tomorrow, as far as I’m concerned, but I push that thought aside.
Rafael is perfect, just like he is.
I face him, and my friend takes me in a kiss. Again, something about his energy feels different. We get swept up in each other even more quickly than usual, and the intensity of his touch disintegrates all my other thoughts until he steps back.
Nothing about this is casual to me.
“Come to the bedroom when you’re done,” he says. “We can have some fun.”
He disappears, and I smile to myself when I look at the bath again. My book is there, as though I’d be able to just relax right now. As I take off my clothes, though, and sink into the hot water, all I can think about is how much I want to feel Rafael inside me.
I sip the wine, and the truth lands on me. I’m going to have to tell him.
I can wait and do it once we’re done hooking up. I know he’s not looking for a relationship, but if I don’t say something when I have the chance, I’ll never forgive myself.
We don’t truly have to run off and get married soon. Or ever. We can figure it all out later, whatever works for us. For now, I’ll just ask him if he wants to keep going, to try for something more. And if the answer is no, maybe I’ll survive anyway. Maybe we can even still be friends, although now that I’ve tasted more, the pain of living without Rafael’s touch would be unbearable.
Still, the warm water eases me, and the wine warms me from the inside. Rafael is making this night special for me. His attention feels every bit as good as I thought it would, and I make a promise to myself that I’m going to enjoy it.
I hesitate for just a second, then hitch my legs up and slide down into the bath. I slick my fingers with soap, then clean the outside of my hole. When I masturbate, I sometimes play with my rim, but it’s pretty rare that I actually penetrate myself. Sunk into the bath and with bubbles floating in front of my face, I focus on my breathing as I push my finger in.
I suck in a surprise gasp, water dripping into my mouth. It’s like I remember, searing and tight and uncomfortable. My hole seizes on my fingertip, and I freeze, the warm water still as I focus on my breathing, but the sensations slowly melt into pleasure.
My finger slides in, feeding my lust. I remember that Rafael is waiting for me. Breathing and thinking about him, I relax enough to swirl around. The pressure surges through me as I make sure that I’m nice and clean for him. Warmth boils up inside me. Then I pull my finger out with a moan.
I stand, water dripping off my body, and grab the towel. I’m already hard, and my hole is tingling, and I want Rafael.
I don’t even finish drying properly, and I leave puddles down the hallway, something I always try to get him to stop doing. There’s music playing in his room, some slow piano thing that I know he picked for me, and Rafael is spread out on his bed, waiting for me in a short pair of black boxer briefs. Stone has started the book tattoos on his arm, and the ink is fresh on his bicep,A Wrinkle in Timeresting on top of Octavia Butler’sDawn.
“Here,” he says as he stands. “Come over here.”
It’s funny. His room hasn’t changed, but even this feels totally different. There are still torn pages and old illustrations pinned all over the walls and big stacks of the white boxes I organized his illustration archive into. The massive desk still takes up most of the room, but around the bed is a little oasis. The sheets are fresh, and there are a few different lubes and some sex toys spread out.
Rafael and I meet, hesitate, and then kiss. His lips close over mine, and his beard bristles against my skin. When his hand lands on my hip, he pulls my towel off, exposing my erection.
Once again, I could swear that I see the same need in his eyes that I’m feeling deep in the pit of me. I can feel Rafael’s love, just like I know my own is beaming back toward him.
