“I don’t know,” I try to explain, fumbling for an excuse. “Maybe I do need to try your Grindr idea. I’m twenty-seven. Going on a date shouldn’t feel this complicated.”
Rafael’s eyebrows arch up in surprise. “You really want to try Grindr?”
I try to imagine myself having sex with a total stranger. “Not really,” I admit.
But at least an anonymous hookup wouldn’t feel so wrong. It’s not exactly fair to go out with Davis when I’m hung up on Rafael, even if I am trying to get over him.
Which brings me back to square one, pining over the friend who is sitting right there. I’m caught in sexless purgatory, and it sucks, but my pathetic heart doesn’t care just so long as I don’t lose Rafael.
He frowns and pushes his foot against Madame President, who sits on the floor. “You just need to get laid,” he says. “It’s been too long, and now you need to have sex and remember that you can.”
A second passes. “Can I, though?” I ask, honestly. “Because if I’ve had sex with three people, and it was bad all three times, isn’t it me that’s the common factor?”
When I say it, the words come out needier than I intended. It’s not a fun thing to think about, but I have thought about it before.
And deep down, maybe another part of me is hurt, too. Why hasn’t Rafael ever wanted me like I want him? Once again, I’m the common factor.
“You’re not bad at sex,” he says, softy.
“You don’t know that.”
“I know that you’re one hell of a kisser.”
I’m flushed, I know, but I keep looking at him. It’s Rafael. His eyes are open wide, glowing. He looks at me with total acceptance and love, like he always does, and I can feel it all over my body. Rafael sees things that other people don’t always see, and he sees me.
“That’s not the same,” I manage.
Everything is charged. The room is hot, even with the air conditioner on in the window, and my best friend and I are staring at each other.
“Maybe we should have sex,” Rafael says, his voice steady, but quiet.
He says the words and leaves them hanging there. My heart is in my throat, and I’m dizzy. “Sex?” I say, like I’ve never heard of it.
Rafael laughs. He scratches his beard, fighting to bury a smile, and eyes me. “Oh my god, Alexander, you’re the cutest.”
“Rafael!” I yelp and laugh. I keep looking at him and looking away. I feel almost hysterical, like I’m flying down a rollercoaster, ready to whoosh and zoom into the sky again.
Is it finally happening?
“Think about it,” he says. “Am I out of my mind? You know I only see hookups for a few weeks, tops, anyway. We can just do the same thing that I do with people off Grindr, but it’s us.”
I shake my head, my mouth hanging slightly open. “You think we should be hookups?”
“Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed,” he says with a playful grin. “I actually can’t believe we never thought of this before. We can make sure you’re confident and you know what you’re doing, and hell, it will be fun!”
My mouth is dry. Maybe this is it, I think. This is my way out.
A few weeks to burn through this. I’ll finally stop obsessing over how badly I want Rafael and just give myself to him. It will be quick, and the end will be hard, but I know what I’m getting into. I’ve seen how long Rafael’s hookups last.
He’ll have had me and still not want me, and maybe then I’ll finally accept the truth that we aren’t meant to be together. Then maybe I’ll finally find someone else to love, if that’s even possible.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think that might be a good idea?”
Rafael chuckles. “We’re going to have sex,” he teases. “You’re going to have sex with me.”
“Oh my god,” I say and cover my face. “What have I gotten myself into?”
Rafael crawls on top of me, then kisses the backs of my hands as I continue covering my face. I pretend to be mortified by his behavior, but I’m grinning, and I feel tingly again, with his body pressed to mine.
