“Are you seeing anyone?”
I shook my head and forced a smile. “Travelling to a new global city every weekend isn’t really conducive to relationships.”
Noah knew about my bisexuality; I just wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Being queer had been one of the big tension points with my parents, who had actually tried to forbid me from coming out, claiming that it would harm my mother’s political career. But my little brother had moved away from home years ago, so I knew he’d expanded his worldview. And if he asked the question, he couldn’t be that hung up on it.
“It must be fun, though,” he smiled. “All that travel. Seeing the world.”
I chuckled. “It’s all kind of a blur, and every massive club can feel the same after a while, whether you’re in Tokyo or LA or Sydney. But yeah, I can’t complain.” I tried not to read into his expression and tossed the question back his way. “How about you? Anyone special?”
“Setting up an architectural firm doesn’t leave much room for dating, either.”
“One thing we got in common, I guess,” I chuckled, and when Noah didn’t laugh along, I added, “but I bet Mom and Dad are proud of you.”
Noah rolled his eyes. “Do you really think they’re ever satisfied?”
“Well, they sure as hell weren’t with me.” I shook my head. “You, though. You weren’t getting brought home drunk every weekend by the local cops or failing your classes.”
“You don’t really know what I was doing,” he said, and it clearly came out harsher than he intended.
My chest hurt, like someone slammed my ribs with a sledgehammer. “Sorry,” I said, then turned my eyes away down to my coffee.
I wanted this to go differently. I wanted living in the same city to mean that Noah and I could have a damn relationship, like family. But maybe I’d already fucked that chance over years ago.
Noah sighed, his mood softening. “I think Mom likes mentioning that her son has his own firm,” he acknowledged.
I looked back up and forced a smile. “That’s something, I guess.”
“Listen, Alastair,” he told me. “I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, either.”
I swallowed. “Right. I guess I was just hoping to get to know you. Take it from there?”
My brother nodded. “I think I want that, too.”
Relief washed over me. For just a split second, I thought I saw the brother I used to know in the shadow of his expression. Kind and attentive and good, better than I would ever be.
I saw the Noah I recognized, thank fucking god.
“I know you’re busy,” I said, “but when you have free time again, maybe we could do dinner? I could have you over to my place.” Noah looked like he was wrestling through something, trying to make a decision. “Or whatever,” I added, “whatever feels right for you.”
“Right,” he nodded. “I barely have any free time, but there’s this barbecue next weekend. It will be my business partner and some of our friends here, nothing fancy. Just a casual afternoon.”
I straightened my back, then tried to hide how thrilled the invitation made me. “Cool,” I said evenly. “That sounds good.”
Noah tightened his brow. “No drugs, okay? Nothing like that.”
My mouth felt dry, but I tried not to be offended. “No problem. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.”
Ever since I started seeing a therapist and especially since I got my ADHD medicine worked out, I’d quit everything but social drinking and the occasional joint. Anything else tended to send my life spiraling out of control. But Noah didn’t need to know all of that right now. In this minute, all that mattered was that he was inviting me to spend more time with him, so I swallowed my pride and just smiled.
We said some awkward goodbyes, and then Noah took off, hurrying into the day with his briefcase. I stayed behind in the café, letting the interaction sink in. I was exhausted from a late night DJing, and now that Noah was gone, all the guilt and bad feelings were threatening to come back to the surface.
Usually, there would be another gig waiting to distract me, another flight out of town. Instead, for distraction, I had to wait until I saw Eve later, an old DJ friend who had settled in Pittsburgh and who was my only other connection in the city.
As I went back into the sunny morning, weirdly, my mind returned to Peyton, too, the guy from the bar. I loved hooking up with a man like him, confident and shy at the same time, with a solid build and the matter-of-fact attitude that I craved. There was something so appealing to me about men like Peyton, and for some reason, I felt that seeing him again, talking to him, it might make me feel better.
I threw my sunglasses on and grunted to myself. Unfortunately, cheap hookups in an alley didn’t lend themselves to genuine connection, and I hadn’t even bothered to get his number. I knew how to have fun and distract myself, but Noah was a painful reminder that I’d never really learned how to build something more.
So just like every day since I’d moved to Pittsburgh, I headed back to an empty apartment and a life I was still trying to learn how to build.
