“But is he being fair about you and Jet?” Russell added, completing Blake’s chain of thought. “If you decide you want to try for a relationship, shouldn’t you be able to tell your friend that? Shouldn’t he support you?”
“And it’s just sex in the office,” Casey grumbled as he crossed his arms.
Casey was the only one of us with a sexual history anywhere close to Jet’s. Probably in part because of how Jet and I met each other, I’d always accepted who he was without much thought—definitely no judgment, although sometimes with a little jealousy. His history just seemed like part of who he was to me, and I liked who he was, simple as that. But still, having Casey’s perspective had been helpful in keeping my head on straight with the whole thing.
“If an employee had done that in the office…” I shook my head, disappointed in myself. “That was out of character for me. I should have known better.”
At least it was clear I was going to pay a price for it. Considering how icy Noah had been, an easy transition into a relationship with Jet seemed highly unlikely at this point.
And what if Jet wanted to cut things off for the sake of his relationship with his brother? I couldn’t honestly fight him on that, could I?
“Whoa, Peyton,” Blake said. He reached across the table and patted my knee. “You okay there?”
Realizing the look that must have contorted my face, I pulled my glasses off. “I’m just mad at myself. One time, Jet told me he imagined I was a rock, that people could count on me. Except when he tried to count on me, I led him straight into a crisis.”
“Hey,” Blake said firmly. “You are a rock. We can rely on you.”
“A sometimes annoyingly anal-retentive rock who will, nonetheless, always be there for you when you need him,” Casey said.
Blake frowned at his boyfriend. “Alovinglyanal-retentive rock,” he corrected.
“Guys,” Russell laughed as he leaned first against Casey, then Blake. “Stop calling Peyton anal-retentive.”
I put my glasses back on, then smiled at my brother and friends. “I want to be the person who will be there for you,” I told Casey. “That’s how I try to see myself, at least.”
“And you always have been,” Casey agreed, becoming serious. “But maybe you need to put yourself first a little more, too.”
I scrunched my brow. “How do you mean?”
“What about the fact that you watched your best friends and your brothers come out of the closet, but never shared what you were going through or asked for support from any of us?”
I glanced between Russell and Blake. The sympathetic looks on their faces told me that they knew what Casey was talking about, which threw me off.
“Well, I don’t think your coming out is a good moment for me to air my own confusions,” I tried to object.
Blake shrugged. “Or maybe it would have been a great time. I probably would have figured my own sexuality out a long time ago, if you and I had talked to each other.”
I shook my head, feeling agitated. “But what are you saying? You want me to go over to Noah’s and dump all my feelings on him right now? I’ll just stir up more trouble, I’m sure.”
“No,” Russell said gently, “but you’re not at Noah’s right now, are you? You’re here with us, so maybe now would be a great time to talk about how you feel and what you want.”
Blake rubbed the back of Russell’s head. “He’s smart.”
“You should listen to him,” Casey agreed as he plucked a pastry from the table.
My breath hitched. I didn’t even have to think about it, the answer was so clear. “I want to be with Jet,” I said. “I… I feel like I need him.”
Russell’s face broke open in a wide smile. “There,” he said. “That’s a much better place to start.”
