“Awww,” I laughed, then handed the photo to Blake. “I can’t believe I used to think you all were cool.”
Blake laughed loudly. “I never fell for it,” he said as he handed the photo to Casey.
Casey held up a middle finger as he continued shuffling through the box. “None of you are looking any better here. Trust me.”
Peyton grabbed the few photos that had found their way out of the box, then tossed them back in. “I’m hungry, and I don’t want Blake getting syrup on my photos. Let’s eat.”
We all worked our way through the breakfast, and as we kept drinking coffee, we went from groggy to chatty. The snow hadn’t stopped falling, and practically the whole city had shut down in response, so we didn’t have anything to rush and get ready for. Instead, after breakfast, we just lounged around the living room, flipping through photos and slipping off one at a time to shower.
The pictures were spread out on the table, from parts of Peyton’s life that I shared and from his time with Casey and Blake that I didn’t know. Looking back through it all, my head swam with emotions. In just over a month, I’d gotten to know the guys in a whole new way, and I felt like I was seeing these old versions of them for the first time, even though I was in some of the pictures myself.
And I saw other stories written across the pictures, too. I saw the years when Casey was hurt and withdrawn, acting out sometimes until he was eventually kicked out of his childhood home. And I saw how Peyton and I changed when our dad died, turning our worlds upside down.
I didn’t know back then that I could be this happy again. Now that I was, a part of me was scared that eventually, I was going to have to let it go.
When Blake and Casey both stepped out of the room, I turned to Peyton. He’d just showered, and his hair was combed back. It was straighter than mine, but it would still get some curls to it when it dried, I knew. He looked nice, comfortable in his simple sweatshirt and jeans, like he always did, and all of a sudden, I needed to talk to him.
How Blake and Casey responded when I said I wanted more, that was out of my control. But being honest about who I was with my brother, I was the only one who could make that decision.
“Hey, I wanted to tell you, um, I’ve been wearing makeup lately.”
Peyton tilted an eyebrow up to me. “Makeup?” he said, surprised.
A second passed, and I worried that I had just jumped ahead without thinking first. Peyton had been supportive when I came out, but like Casey said, it did take him a second to adjust. What if this was too much for Peyton to deal with, and I’d just gone and thrown a wrench in what was supposed to be a fun, easy weekend?
My dad’s judgment suddenly loomed over my shoulder. He’d been gone for years, but I still felt like he was there, unhappy with who I was becoming, wishing I was the kind of man he thought I should be.
“Just a little eyeliner and lipstick sometimes,” I added quickly. “It feels right for me.”
“Oh.” Peyton thought about it, then nodded. He always had a really logical way of looking at things, and I watched him process the information for a second. “That’s cool, Russell. I had no idea.”
I let out a relieved breath. “I kind of made sure no one had any idea,” I admitted.
“You know, Colton is seeing Jonas now, back in West Creek. And Jonas wears makeup sometimes.”
I blinked, surprised to hear this about my very macho oldest brother’s new boyfriend. “Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Maybe you should call the rest of the family more,” Peyton said, scolding me a little, which made my younger brother instincts want to rear up and argue. “Everyone’s been chill with Jonas, by the way.”
Relief washed over me, like a bunch of tension just melted in an instant. “Oh, that’s really good to know. Thanks.”
Peyton smiled and adjusted his glasses. “I know the family can be intense,” he said. “Dad wanted his boys to be a certain way, and most of the brothers are that way. But trust me, from the guy who was a little too nerdy for Dad’s standards, it’s okay.”
“Thank you,” I said again, my voice tight, then forced Peyton into a hug. Coming out and being open about who I was had felt so impossible before I started doing it, but the more I trusted myself, the easier it all seemed.
I excused myself to finish getting ready. My body felt all tingly, and hearing Peyton’s supportive reaction was important. I wanted to treasure that moment, but just as badly, I wanted to rush upstairs and tell Casey and Blake about it and share the good news with them.
But that wasn’t right. That wasn’t who they were to me, at least not yet
But maybe soon, I hoped, and went downstairs to do my makeup, my heart full but aching.
