Milo blinks. “Really?” He turns to Ayla. “Did you know about this?”
Ayla holds her finger and thumb about an inch apart. “A little bit?”
Milo stares at the wall for a second, processing. I worry he’ll explode and storm out of the room, but his face finally settles in a frown.
“Matty,” he says gently. “If you actually wanted to date me again, you should have just asked. I’m way happier as your friend now, but a couple of years ago? I would have taken a chance, if you’d only said something.”
I sit up the rest of the way. “Excuse me? What now? You’re not, like, upset that I hid feelings for you?”
Milo shakes his head quickly. “I knew that you had some feelings for me, Matty. You didn’t really hide it.”
I turn quickly to Ayla, who shrugs. “Um, yeah, I kind of knew this part, too.” She glances to Milo with an apologetic grimace. “Sorry, you both tell me everything.”
I put my face in my hands. “You knew,” I groan. “This is so humiliating. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” he asks back.
I think about it for a second. “Because I was scared, I guess. If I kept fantasizing about getting back together with you, then there wasn’t any actual risk. But if I actually tried, then you could say no, and everything in my life could fall apart.”
Milo crosses his arms. “I don’t like that you lied to me, but Matty, your whole life isn’t going to fall apart.”
“Yeah,” Ayla encourages. “We’re your friends, Matty. No matter what happens, we’re going to be here for you.”
“It’s kind of the point,” Milo adds.
I frown at my coffee. “What do you mean?”
“You can put yourself out there and risk being hurt because no matter what, we’ll be here to catch you.”
Ayla slips her hand into mine. “It’s never going to be like it was for you growing up. We’ll make sure of that.”
Her words flip the switch, and the tears that have been gathering in the corners of my eyes finally fall down my cheeks. “It was so scary,” I say, finally able to process the attack. “They held Stone down to the ground, and I wanted to help him, to save him, but there was nothing I could do. I just stood there and watched, and now I’ll never forget what I saw.”
Milo takes my other hand and squeezes it. “I’m so sorry you lived through that,” he says.
“But that’s the thing,” I say. “I just had to watch, and that was enough to break me. Stone was the one they actually beat up, and he’s fine.”
“He’s fine?” Ayla asks.
I take my hand back to wipe my eyes. “Basically. You know how he is. He’s upset, but he’s still calm and collected, like it was no big deal.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s fine,” Milo points out. “People respond to trauma and violence in all sorts of ways.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I sigh. “He came by the studio the other night and left pretty much immediately. Whatever we had, I guess it was fake after all.”
My heart hurts to say it. I remember all the times with Stone that felt so incredibly real, laughing together and working on our art and just being present and safe and happy.
But if it had been real, if it had been the thing that I’m afraid to want it to be, then we wouldn’t be so horribly far apart from each other now.
“Okay, Matty,” Ayla says, then pulls the blanket back. “Enough moping.”
I try to pull the blanket to my chest again, but she keeps a firm grip on it. “I’m not moping,” I mope.
Milo grabs the other side of the blanket and yanks it down. “We talked about it downstairs. You’ve got two problems right now. One is that you’re heartsick over Stone and unable to do anything about it.”
“And the other,” Ayla adds, “is that you were right at the finish line with your film, and now you’ve given up.”
I pull my knees up to my chest and hold them, the worn fabric of my sweatpants soft on my skin. “Thanks for reminding me,” I grumble.
