“It’s like one second, Izzy and I had everything. He was perfect for me, and everything was falling into place, and I thought I had finally found the relationship I needed.”
Leo drank from his coffee. “I remember you insisting for years that you didn’t need a relationship, actually, but go on.”
“So did you,” I pointed out.
“But then I found River.”
“And I found Izzy.” I leaned back in my chair. “I realized it at your wedding. I do want someone of my own. Someone who will be there for me, like you and River are there for each other. But then, the second I found that someone, I screwed it up.”
“You haven’t screwed it up yet. Or have you?”
“No,” I acknowledged. “But when I look at him, I just think about the picture. How am I supposed to be all sweet and sexy with him if I can only think about that?”
Leo laughed. “You are sweet and sexy together, aren’t you?”
“Shut up,” I grumbled, my face in my hands. “I feel like an asshole.”
“You’re not an asshole,” Leo scolded. “Trust me. Everyone gets to make mistakes sometimes, and that includes Izzyandyou. But you do have to find a way to stop feeling so butt-hurt and embarrassed.”
“How am I supposed to not feel butt-hurt and embarrassed about all of this?”
“By owning your sex life and not carrying so much shame around with it. You’ve seen this happen with clients here a million times. The second they get over their own shit, the problem practically goes away on its own.” He popped up to his feet, then took another sip of his coffee. “Plus, it’s just a cute dog onesie, dude. We couldn’t even see your dicks in the pic.”
“Thank you for your kind words,” I deadpanned.
“Anytime,” Leo answered brightly. “Now will you please come down for dinner tonight? My husband is worried that you’re going to disappear into your lonely condo and we’ll never see you again.”
Once Leo harassed me into committing to dinner plans, I shut the door after him and returned to my desk. There were a few small plants on the edge of it, delivered by Izzy one day during his lunch break, and I adjusted them until they were in a straight row again.
Leo made it sound so easy, like I could just magically get over my emotions. I knew that for some people, it would be as simple as that. I’d seen clients come through with the most scandalous, embarrassing stories, already splashed over the tabloids, and then walk down the street a week later as though it had never happened.
But that wasn’t me. And while “owning it” might work for River and for Leo, I’d struggled to not just delete the Instagram all together.
The fact was, the person I most wanted to reach out to was Izzy. He understood exactly what I was going through, and he was as private and reluctant to take the spotlight as I was. It was one of countless ways that we matched each other.
It just so happened that when I laid my eyes on him, I was overtaken with shame again.
I opened a new chat to him on my desktop. Even though it felt complicated and hard to be with him, there was still something good there that I needed.
Like on the couch that afternoon, watching a random movie and just relaxing together.
That helped.
Hey, cutie, how’s your day?
Only a second passed before his reply came.Hi! It’s okay! How about you?
At the office, I typed, then added,missing you.
A string of love hearts and flower emojis filled the screen.Missing you, too, Kai.
Somehow, messaging felt easier. A shame spiral threatened to form, the memory of messaging with my anonymous internet crush coming back strong. But I battled all those insecurities down.
I just wanted to talk to Izzy.
I just wanted my boyfriend.
Which part of seeing me are you missing? The part where I act like a dickhead and say the wrong things all the time, or the part where I freak out and hide from you?
