Him, my moms, sometimes Leo, and now Izzy, I realized.
“I want the kind of brother gossip you never give me,” River pouted. “You always act like your relationships are secrets. What’s that about?”
I considered the fact that, for the last ten years, the relationship I cared most about kind of was a secret. It felt right to finally be out in the open with Izzy, but as I met my brother’s eye, I was more aware of how much I was still keeping locked up.
“Listen,” River said. He leaned forward and rubbed my knee. “I’m not going to push, mainly because I know you’ll clam up anyway. But I love you and Izzy as a couple. You’re so happy together, and he gets you. So I want you to know you can talk to me about anything.” He scrunched his mouth to the side, then glanced at the door behind us.
“Kai,” he continued, leaning in closer, “all I mean is I won’t tell Leo, if you don’t want me to.”
I held his eye, then broke out in a loud laugh. I hadn’t exactly thought about it that way, but it was true.
My brother could keep a secret. His husband, not so much.
River laughed with me. “There’s a reason we didn’t tell help him plan Shawn’s surprise birthday party. Anyway, I just want you to know you’ve spent half your life processing my relationships with me. I’m here to do the same for you.”
I scrunched my mouth to the side, mirroring one of the gestures we shared. It was pretty typical for my sensitive brother to find the exact right moment to say something to me.
And it was true. I’d spent a lot of my life hearing about his crushes and heartaches. It could sometimes be a bit much, and I wish I could unhear some of the more pornographic details, but I loved that about our relationship.
“Okay,” I said slowly. My hands were instantly sweaty, and I kind of couldn’t believe I was about to say what I was about to say. “So I kind of started videoing with Izzy through a sex chat about ten years ago.”
River blinked, his long eyelashes fluttering. “Wait, what?”
“But I didn’t know who he was, and he didn’t know who I was.”
“How did you not recognize each other through video chat?”
I winced. “He wore costumes. I only watched.”
“Costumes?” River said, his voice rising even as he struggled to keep it down.
I threw back the rest of my drink. “Like superhero costumes. A kitty one. A skeleton onesie.”
“Oh wow,” he gasped. “Is that like a furry thing?”
I shook my head quickly. “No. I mean, for some people, maybe. But I considered that and, um, looked into it, and I’m not a furry.” I gritted my teeth together. The more I talked, the more I felt compelled to vomit out more words. “It’s like a thing where it’s fun and kind of hot to see Izzy dressed up in a costume oh my god I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”
I threw the ice in my mouth and chewed it.
“Wow,” River said, thinking slowly and taking it in. “That’s cool. People like all kinds of costumes for sex, you know.”
“It’s not a big deal, though,” I explained. “We just started doing that, like, when I was twenty or so. And we just reconnected by chance when he moved.”
“That kind of sounds like a big deal, Kai,” River said brightly.
I bounced my foot against the bottom of the coffee table. “This isn’t like a kink. It’s not a thing I do with other people. And it’s not a thing that Izzy and I are doing a lot, either. We’ll probably stop doing it altogether pretty soon,” I said quickly, although I didn’t actually believe the words once I heard them.
I turned to meet my brother’s eye again. “Or not,” I added.
River rolled his eyes. “Why would you stop doing this thing that you think is really hot and fun? You’re so weird, Kai.”
“We don’t need it to have sex,” I tried to explain.
“Oh my god, Kai,” River laughed. “Sex isn’t a well-organized spreadsheet. You don’t only do the things you absolutely need to do. You have fun and let things get weird and messy, and you laugh about it. That’s the point.” He lifted his own drink and took a sip. “Plus, you’re kind of kink-shaming yourself and other people.”
“I don’t do this with other people, though,” I said, a little defensively.
River grinned. “I don’t do some of the things I do with Leo with anyone else. That doesn’t make them vanilla.”
