Kai’s hand clenched around mine, and I knew his anxiety had peaked. Luckily, Leo and Cass launched into a conversation about their favorite Halloween costumes over the years. After a moment, Kai released my hand abruptly and turned to his food without saying anything.
He was obviously uncomfortable, and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do about that. Except, as I chewed my sandwich and stared at my plate, I knew that I wanted to do something.
I remembered how he had come and found me on the dance floor at the wedding, pulling me away from his drunk, too enthusiastic coworkers with a smile that made everything feel better.
If I really felt so good being with him, then it was my job to make sure he felt the same way, I decided.
“Hey,” I said to the side. “I want to pick a dessert from the case up front. Will you come with me?”
There was worry in his eyes, but he smiled softly. “Yeah, sure.”
We made our way through the noisy diner, and when we reached the empty seating area up front, we both paused.
“You doing okay?” I asked. I wanted to reach out and touch his arm, but my nerves caught up with me, and I folded my hands behind my back instead.
“Yeah, thanks,” he said, then touched my elbow, closing the distance for me. “The conversation just got in my head.” He glanced back at the table. “It felt like they all knew.”
I touched his forearm with my other hand. “It’s okay,” I said. “They don’t, and I promise I’m not a gossip. I won’t go and break your confidence like that.”
“I know you’re not. You’re pretty much the only person in the world I can imagine trusting with something like this, actually.”
“Thank you,” I said, bowing slightly. “I would say the same of you. And just so you don’t forget, what we’re doing is totally harmless. I understand not wanting to broadcast it, but you know, there’s nothing wrong with it, either.”
Kai slid his hand down to mine. “I know. I’m working through a lot of shame, but I promise, I’m working through it.”
“It’s a lot to process,” I agreed with a laugh. “It’s like I used to know two different people, with two different histories, and then out of nowhere, you became one person, who I’ve actually known since Mrs. Bechdel’s class.”
“Super trippy,” he agreed.
“I don’t need to rush,” I reminded him, proud of myself for being direct, just like Kai had been direct with me. “Don’t worry.”
Kai relaxed the rest of the way, and I could feel the ease in my own body. “Can I ask you for one favor that might help me process this?” he asked.
“Sure,” I answered quickly. “Anything.”
“Pick out a cupcake for us to split,” he said, nodding toward the display. “My way of saying sorry for crushing your hand.”
Chapter Eighteen
Kai
Izzyand I stood by his door. It was late in the afternoon, and we’d walked back from the diner together to digest our food and appreciate one of the last summer days.
“So,” he said, toeing his shoe against the pavement. The sun was lowering behind him, and the curl of his hair fell almost to his eye. “Last time we were here, you kissed me and ran away,” he teased.
I laughed, then stepped forward and brushed my lips over his. “How’s this?” I asked as my hand found his side and we kissed again.
“Come upstairs,” he answered, his lips against mine. “Please.”
I swallowed. There was a wall of shame, right behind me and prickling my spine.
But in front of me there was Izzy. He was always a relief from the social pressure and need to perform in the rest of my life, a person I could be myself with instead of playing the boss.
And I knew he could be a relief from all the shame, too.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll come up.”
He grabbed my hand as he opened the door, and we took up the stairs. “It’s tiny,” he said over his shoulder. “And remember, I just moved in. It’s not like your place.”
