I felt pretty damn good about myself. The trip was going as well as I planned, and Audrey and I hit it off easily. Her personality reminded me of Shawn, sweet with a streak of sass underneath. When Shawn and I drove around late that afternoon to check out his old school and drive by his old apartment, I got all the satisfaction I wanted from the trip, a peek into his world from before we reconnected.
Still, though, when we drove up to the concert venue, squeezed in the truck with Audrey, doubt itched at the back of my skull. Twice Shattered playing a gig in Atlanta was too much of a coincidence to skip the show, and something about the way Audrey invited us, and the way Shawn looked to me for an answer, it had just seemed like the right thing to do.
Or maybe I just knew that it would feel way worse if I hid from the band, like it would be some kind of failure for me to say no. Shawn had said several times how he wished he could have heard me drumming with Twice Shattered, and even though that chance had passed, this was the closest we were going to get anytime soon.
Turns out, it was hard to let him down.
The venue looked like a converted warehouse on the outside, with streaked windows and brick walls. A few tatted-up guys lingered at the door, glaring our direction as we walked up. I nodded my head back, not quite making eye contact with them, then pulled the heavy metal door open for Shawn and Audrey, a wave of screeching guitar blaring out.
“It’s loud!” Audrey said, lifting her voice over the music.
I fished in my pocket, then handed them each a pair of earplugs. “Here you go.”
Audrey was wearing a black dress with white polka dots, and she more or less blended into the crowd, even though her open, wide smile was a little out of place with all the scowls. Shawn had worried that he didn’t have anything to wear to a show, even though I tried to tell him that the most punk thing to do would be to just wear his usual clothes and not give a fuck. He’d ended up going with a pair of black jeans, snug in a way I appreciated, and my old Faith No More concert T-shirt. The sleeves and the bottom were cut off raggedly, and it usually hung right above my waist, but on Shawn, it hung loosely from his shoulders and draped to the tops of his thighs.
Fuck, did he look good, actually. Seeing him in my shirt felt like I was claiming him in front of all those people. The music scene I ran around in was pretty accepting, and even if it hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have felt weird bringing Shawn there. Any anxiety I had about that kind of thing went out the window when Leo came out in high school.
But still, I’d never brought a guy I was fucking to a Twice Shattered show, and the experience made me feel a little dizzy.
The band on the stage finished their set, and I turned to Shawn and Audrey in the silence that followed. “Drinks?”
“Let me get a pitcher,” Audrey said brightly. “To say thanks for the ticket.”
“All it took was a text message,” I said with a smile.
When Audrey disappeared toward the bar, Shawn and I slid into a booth. The stage took up the back wall and the open pit before it was half-filled with people. In the back, though, the booths and tables were pretty quiet.
I slung my arm over the seat, looking out at the crowd as I tried to sort through all the feelings it was bringing up.
Shawn slid in beside me, and I dangled my arm above his shoulder. “Do you see your old bandmates?” he asked.
“Nope. They said to stop by backstage after the show if I wanted. It used to be we’d come out and hang with the fans, but I guess they don’t do that anymore.” I turned in the booth and slid my hand through the hair on the back of his head, facing him. “We’ll see what’s up after the show, but if we all feel like, maybe I can introduce you.”
Shawn blinked. “Sure, if you want me to,” he answered after a pause.
I chuckled. “Why the fuck not?”
“I don’t know. But I’m not going to have anything to say. What if I try to compliment them and it comes out wrong, or I say something I wasn’t supposed to say about you?”
It was like when we were getting dressed to go out. Shawn was letting his nerves catch up with him, which meant it was my job to make sure he was comfortable. “Whatever you say is going to be perfect,” I assured him. “And if you’re really at a loss, just do this.” I half-closed my eyes, then stared into the distance, looking equal parts bored and pissed off.
“What’s that?” Shawn laughed.
I kept my eyes out of focus toward the back wall. “Around here, it’s socially acceptable to stand silently and make this expression.”
Shawn laughed again, then mimicked the expression, all of his face muscles hanging loose. He looked kind of drunk and bitchy.
“Whoa.” Audrey slid a full pitcher and some glasses to the table. “Cass, what did you say to piss him off?”
Shawn turned to her but didn’t change his expression. “I’m just here for the show, man,” he drawled.
Audrey stared back, then blurted out a laugh. “Okay, Shawn. Drink your beer.”
I rubbed his shoulder, then pulled him closer to me while Audrey filled the glasses. Whatever insecurity I might have had about being affectionate with a guy at a Twice Shattered show was already out the window. The band was part of my past, but the weekend was supposed to be a treat for Shawn. All I needed to worry about was whether he felt comfortable.
By the time we made it through the pitcher, the lights flickered, and Twice Shattered came out to the stage. When I glanced around, I realized the crowd had grown substantially, and the floor looked crowded from our spot in the back. The place was definitely a step up from our old venues, and I tried not to think about the cut the band would be getting from just that one evening.
“Do you want to go up front?” Shawn asked.
