Was that how everyone was going to see me? My best friend, my old bandmates, my parents, Monica.
I shook my head. At least Shawn wasn’t going to turn on me. He never pressed when I changed the subject away from the band. He just let me be and seemed to like me fine the way I was.
“God damn it,” I grunted.
I’d gotten out of the city, but I couldn’t get away from my life.
Chapter Seven
Shawn
The weekafter the meteor shower ended, I thought I’d finally hit my routine. I slept in as late as I could, busied myself with chores in the afternoon, and then shared a dinner with Cass, pretending the whole time that I wasn’t still desperately crushing on him. Sometimes, we’d split after that, and I’d get in some good hours of writing and stargazing.
Other times, he’d ask to come outside with me. We’d talk and look through the telescope. He’d drink a beer, and I’d spend the rest of the night with my heart fluttering up against my ribs and my cheeks aching from smiling.
Totally routine stuff. Sure, it was kind of painful, how much I liked him. He licked his lips one time, and I thought about it for two days after.
It almost hurt that I couldn’t run my hand through his hair or curl up under his arm. But it was a good hurt, like I felt so warm and tingly inside, I was coming apart at the seams.
As I answered some emails on my laptop at the dining room table one afternoon, I suddenly noticed that the house was quiet. Cass had stopped drumming, and I could hear the sounds of the forest again as a hawk called out and the wind rustled through the tree branches. Usually, he spent the afternoon going back and forth between drumming and remodeling the studio, but as the minutes ticked by, the house remained quiet.
It was funny, but all of a sudden, the silence was making me anxious. Although Cass hadn’t been in Kentucky for long, I was already adjusting to the constant buzz of his presence, like we were working together in some small way. It comforted me, the same way being around him steadied my nervous habits.
When I finished answering emails, I slipped on my sneakers and wandered back toward the studio. He’d mentioned I should come and check out his work a few times, but I usually felt hesitant to interrupt. We kind of had our own bubbles, and even though Cass seemed to enjoy my company, I assumed he liked his privacy just as much. He had always been kind of a loner, after all, and like me, he had expected to spend the summer by himself.
At least Leo had finally called to apologize about that properly. And once he told me the latest with his business, I could understand how he got so distracted.
Plus, Cass being around hardly seemed like a burden anymore.
The sun beating down, I rounded the corner in the hillside that led to the studio, nervous and excited to see what he was up to. He probably had his shirt off and sweat gleaming down the firm muscles of his shoulders to the small of his back and the top of his boxers, always sticking out of his shorts. I thought I might even work up the nerve to ask him to drum for me like he’d offered. After days of listening to the steady beat of his solos, I craved seeing him at his drum set and studying the way his body moved to summon that entrancing, rhythmic sound.
I stepped down the path, turned into the clearing, and froze in place. Cass was sitting on the edge of the porch, facing the scenic hillside away from me. His legs were spread, and he leaned back on one hand. His body blocked me from seeing the rest of him, but as I watched, his shoulder bounced, and his arm pumped.
Cass was masturbating. Was that really what was happening, or was I so deliriously horny I was just hallucinating?
Needy and overwhelmed just by looking at him, I stood there with my breath caught behind my ribs. Anxiety froze me in place, while at the same time it told me to run away, to escape before he caught me. But still, my eyes were fixed on his bicep, glistening under the sun as his muscles pumped, thick and firm.
Cass turned. He leaned back further as he spread his legs wide, and a deep grunt escaped his lips. Suddenly, he was fully exposed to my view. His fist pumped at his cock, thick in his hand. From my spot in the distance, I could see the tuft of dark hair at his base and the meaty muscles of his thighs. His sack hung over the waistband of his boxers, which were shoved down, and his perfect face was twisted, almost pained.
Desire flooded my body, and my cock twitched to attention. And then Cass opened his eyes and looked straight in my direction.
I yelped and stumbled backward, but not before I saw his release. A thick white spray shot up against his abs, and Cass threw his head back with another grunt. I nearly stumbled to the ground but caught myself on a tree. Before I could think about anything else, I was back toward the house, fast-walking as my heart thudded in my chest with panic.
Fuck. Fuck! That was really, really not good.
Did Cass see me? I thought he must have, but then he turned away. If he did see me, he would think I was a pervert, spying on him from the trees.
And I was! It was totally inappropriate for me to stay there. I couldn’t have watched for more than ten or fifteen seconds, but it might as well have been an eternity. I was a creep, salivating over a straight guy. It made me sick to my stomach, and when I got back to the house, I ran upstairs to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me.
As soon as I hit the mattress, the tears came. I had humiliated myself in front of Cass. He’d shown me real friendship, just like when we were young, and I’d turned around and disrespected him. There was something wrong with me to be so hung up on a high school crush. Why hadn’t I ever fallen for someone appropriate, a gay guy who was geeky like me, someone I met in classes or at the library? Was I going to spend the rest of my life pining after this one man, only ever getting close enough to scare him away?
I let myself wallow for a while. I curled up under the sheet, the fan blowing a cool breeze across me, and put on an old episode ofNova, one of my comfort shows. I even tried calling Audrey, although she didn’t pick up.
A couple hours later, my pity party finally ended with Cass’s voice, calling up the stairs. “Hey, Shawn, you up there?”
I put the pillow over my face, sighed, and then tossed it aside. There was no way to hide from him forever. With my hands slightly shaking, I forced myself down the stairs. Cass had put on a clean white T-shirt, and he had the same relaxed, casual look on his face as always.
Should I apologize right from the start? It only seemed right, unless he hadn’t spotted me, in which case it would be much better to never say anything.
