Chapter Sixteen
Grayson
Back when my mom still talked to me, when I was just a kid and people could pretend I was like everyone else, she always used to have a saying.
A tidy house means a happy mind.
She’d say it all the time, trying to get her kid excited about cleaning the dishes or dusting the living room. I’d always roll my eyes, saying I’d be much happier if I just left my toys where they were, thank you very much.
I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself as I looked around my apartment, perfectly organized and clean thanks to help Alyssa and Zach gave me.Hell, I thought,maybe I was just keeping it messy all those years to spite her, in some weird way.
But one thing was certain. My house might have been tidy, but I was far from happy.
I pulled the project I needed to focus on that day from the shelf and set it up on the small worktable I had acquired from the thrift. Demir and Marco had been generous enough to let me sleep at their place the past two nights and even let me curl up between them in bed. Their warm bodies were enough to distract me from my grief and help me fall to sleep.
But that didn’t mean work stopped, or that I could ignore my responsibilities. What was my excuse going to be, anyway? My mom died six months ago? Didn’t seem like a good reason to cancel an order.
Lou purred, then pressed himself against my leg. “I guess you’ll never meet her,” I said, scratching the back of his neck. “Just like you never saw Zoe again.”
Lou purred again, this time deeper, almost defensive. My mouth quirked up in a half-smile. “Yeah, I know. I used to promise this Zoe girl was going to show back up. But I never promised you that about Mom.” I scratched his head a little faster, and then he jumped onto my lap. “Still, it was nice to pretend it might happen, you know?”
I tried to focus on work with Lou in my lap, flicking his tail in my face at the worst moments. I slipped into a dull, numb state, barely even feeling the tiles in my hands. And then, out of nowhere, the truth would hit me again, and I was overcome by loneliness.
I tossed Lou aside, and once he landed, he angled his head to the side, shooting me a curious look.
“They didn’t even call me when it happened,” I sighed. “They didn’t even care enough to tell me she was gone.”
It was like my father had said. I was already dead to him. And you didn’t call dead people to tell them what’s new.
The tears came again, overwhelming me until I laid on the floor, curled up in the fetal position and with Lou trying to nuzzle his way into my arms. I don’t know how much time slipped by before I recovered myself, but once I did, I was able to finish off the job and get it packaged.
It was a lesson I had learned before. The world didn’t care if all your support disappeared. The bills still showed up, and the rent was still due, and every other boring thing just kept happening, same as always.
Except this time, maybe something was different. This time, I hadn’t lost all my support.
This time, although I was scared to believe it, there was someone there to catch me.
The door to my apartment buzzed, and I realized it was already four in the afternoon. Another day was slipping by, and I hadn’t managed to eat a proper meal, or even comb my hair. I felt a wave of insecurity that I still looked a mess, with puffy eyes and cow-licked hair, but without the energy to actually do anything about it, I just buzzed the entrance and let Demir in.
“Grayson,” he said, taking me in his arms. I pressed my face against his chest and felt the soft fabric of his white shirt against my cheek. Immediately, I felt a wave of relief and comfort. But just as soon as I began to feel the security of being in Demir’s arms, the walls I had been trying to build crumbled, and I fell back into my tears for a minute.
“Sorry,” I said, wiping my eyes and stepping back. “I’m still getting used to it, I guess.”
Demir kept my eye. “You never need to apologize for the way you feel,” he said. “I understand.”
It was the way he said that.I understand.So confident, but also gentle.
Because he did understand, I knew. In ways that almost no one else did.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked. “Do you need a little more time?”
I shook my head, then gestured to the box I had already packaged. “That should be all set.”
“Do you need anything from your bedroom? Fresh clothes, toiletries, anything like that?”
“I’ll be good for tonight. Anyway, I’ll have to come back first thing in the morning to work some more.”
Demir’s eyebrows creased, and I thought for a minute I saw something close to pity on his face. I wanted to push it away and remind him that I had been fine on my own for a long time. I knew how to take care of myself without him and Marco, actually, and I was damn proud of that.
