“Beautiful,” Alyssa said, inspecting the work. “No wonder you’re getting so much work, if you’re making pieces like these.”
I threw my hand in the air. “I wish all of the work was like that. It’s usually just very specific custom jobs, where my role is a lot less artful. But I’m glad to have the clients, anyway.”
Alyssa nodded. “One nice thing about my slow months,” she said, “I actually get to make my own product for once, instead of rushing to finish someone else’s vision.”
I curled my legs up on the armchair, then returned my tea to the table. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Alyssa answered, adjusting her glasses. “Always.”
“How long did it take you to feel comfortable dating women after you transitioned? Did you feel awkward at first?”
Alyssa nodded, then carefully returned the tiles to the table. “I’m surprised you ask that, though,” she said. “When you were dating Zoe, you didn’t seem to have any insecurities.”
I laughed ruefully. “I was confident with Zoe, but you see where that got me.”
Alyssa smiled, and the warm expression on her face reminded me that she had heard the story and that I didn’t have to be quite so guarded around her. “It was a big blow to your confidence when Zoe left you for another guy,” she agreed.
My heart ached when she said it, like I was facing the truth all over again. I knew that Zoe and I would ultimately have been unhappy together. I wasn’t who she wanted, and, as I realized, she wasn’t who I truly wanted, either. But the fact that I cared for her so deeply and loved her so much only made it that much harder to accept the fact that our desires didn’t align.
When she revealed that she had actually been lying to me for an entire year and carrying on a relationship with a man I knew, I was devastated. It was hard enough to learn to value and trust myself again, but realizing I was gay in the middle of it all was enough to derail my life for a while.
“It’s no wonder it took me two years to recover and start dating again,” I said, sadness pulling down my heart. “But I think there’s more to my insecurity with Demir and Marco than just that.”
“For me,” Alyssa said, “the insecurities went away pretty quickly. My first girlfriend after I transitioned was very comfortable with her own sexuality, and she didn’t bring any hang-ups into the bedroom. Having a validating experience like that made it easy to push through my own self-doubt.”
“It did feel validating to spend time with Demir and Marco. They treated me just like any other man, and they seemed to honestly care about me having a good time.” A smile tugged up the corner of my mouth as I thought about the two of them, hurrying me into the pharmacy and jumping into action to make sure I got my injection. “I felt safe with them.”
“What do you think the problem is, then?”
I frowned, and Lou jumped into my chair. I scratched his backside as he meowed softly and curled into my lap. “It’s a couple things, I think. You know all the stereotypes about gay men?”
“That they’re promiscuous and never settle down?”
“Exactly. And I know that’s not true. Hell, I’m a gay man, and I don’t want to have a million anonymous partners. But it has to be a little true for them, right? I mean, they hooked up with me when we barely knew each other, and they run a club with sexy backrooms and hot twinks go-go dancing on the weekends.”
“Okay,” Alyssa said. “I see where you’re coming from. But I would point out you hooked up with them, too, and you’re not really looking for that.”
I nodded. “But there’s another thing…”
“The sex.”
“Exactly. I’ve only been with women since I turned nineteen. Grayson and Demir not only have a lifetime of experience, but they also have constant access to their… equipment.”
“Two sets, too,” Alyssa joked.
I laughed, then scratched behind Lou’s ears. “The casual hookup was quick and easy, but will I really know what I’m doing if we have another date? Or will I just embarrass myself around the hottest power couple in the city?” My stomach sank as I said it. If the way Marco and Demir made me feel included was a fantasy in my mind, I would hate to shatter the illusion.
“Who’s to say they won’t embarrass themselves?” Alyssa asked pointedly. “Have they dated trans men before? They might feel as out of their league as you do.”
I considered it for a moment. “Marco seemed to know what he was doing when we met at the club,” I said. “I brought up the fact that I was trans at dinner, too. Neither of them seemed to have a strong reaction, which was good…” I tapped my fingers on the arm of the chair. “I guess I don’t know their experience,” I admitted.
“I understand why you’re asking yourself all these questions, Grayson. I know that Zoe was your first love once you figured out that you were a man, and having that end in a way that broke your sense of trust is incredibly difficult. But it’s okay to feel nervous again, even if you think you have yourself figured out. The only problem would be if you let that stop you from going forward and learning more about Demir and Marco.”
I nodded and heard her advice. “Thanks,” I said, then laughed and buried my head in my hands.
“What?” Alyssa asked.
“It just goes to figure,” I said. “I thought dating gay men would be the last hurdle in my romantic life, but then I have to go and start dating two men at the same time.”
