Chapter Twenty-Two
Clark
I pushed open the door to the apartment and saw the now-familiar sight of the home that Rips and Mars shared, from the records framed on the wall to the leather jackets, hanging on a hook by the door. Mars and Rip were each leaning against the kitchen counter, and when they saw me, they stepped forward.
“Clark,” Mars said.
I practiced my breathing and remembered the messages from Ezra and Valeria in my phone, telling me that they were thinking about me and that they were around if I needed them. A charge shot through the room, and my body remembered how it felt to press my hands against Rip’s chest, and to yield to Mars’s grip in my hair as he slammed our lips together.
I wanted to feel that way again, but more than that, I wanted them each to feel the same desperate pull that I felt. That pull that had connected me to Rip all those years ago and that drew me to Mars now.
But not if you already love each other, I thought.Only if there’s room for me.
Had I been right, when I told Rip what I thought? Had he told Mars what I said?
And just as importantly, had he told him what I did? Because I still didn’t know where that impulse came from or what it meant that I couldn’t bury it.
Rip stepped forward and pulled his hand through his hair. He wore a light gray thermal shirt, tucked into a pair of heavy work pants, and a silver chain hung over his chest. When he looked at me, he squinted, and I could see the light creases in the corners of his eyes.
“Thanks for coming,” he said.
“I came to listen,” I answered.
Rip nodded, and when he swallowed, I saw the rise and fall of his adam’s apple. “I’ve been trying to figure out why I blew a gasket the other day. It’s the only thing I’ve been able to think about. But the only fucking clue I could figure out is that I was getting in the way of you two.” He scoffed, then shook his head. “I saw something between the two of you, and I got to thinking that I was holding Mars back.”
“You thought you were holding me back?” Mars asked, clearly surprised to hear Rip. “Rip, come on. You couldn’t hold me back if you wanted to.”
Rip held up a hand, and Mars stopped. “That’s what I told myself,” Rip continued, “until Clark came and set me straight.”
Rip and Mars both turned to me. The chill from outside was still against my skin, and I shivered under their gaze.
Tell me,I thought.Tell me that you love Mars, and that the two of you are going to be together.
I needed to hear it. I needed them to tell me to leave because being in the same room as Mars and Rip suddenly felt like being on fire. I needed to hear that all the fantasies I had been entertaining were just that—stories, like the stories about aliens and distant planets.
So far away from my actual life that they were impossible.
“I can’t hide what I want anymore,” Rip said, then took a step closer to me. “And I never should have tried to. Only cowards hide from what they want. Only cowards are afraid to fucking take it.” Rip turned to Mars, then back to me. “And I want you both.”
My heart skipped to my throat. I looked to Mars and saw his lips part in surprise.
“What did you say?” Mars asked. His eyes were wide, and his expression was pained, like Rip had just told him something he couldn’t believe. “What did you just say to me, Rip?”
I felt like I was spinning through the air, like I was dizzy with my feet above the ground.
Rip laid a hand on the back of Mars’s head, then pressed their foreheads together. I watched as Mars’s body relaxed, and their breathing steadied until their shoulders were rising and falling together. “You heard me,” Rip said in a voice that was as quiet as distant thunder.
Mars pulled back from Rip. “Clark,” he said to me. “This is so fucked up. You don’t even want to be in the same room as Rip.” He turned to the wall. The hole Rip had punched was repaired, but there was still a white spot where the drywall hadn’t been painted. “This is so fucked up,” he repeated.
“No,” I said. “It’s not.”
The room went quiet, and I stepped across the kitchen. I placed my body beside Rip and Mars, and Rip reached out, stroking the back of my head. The kiss from the other day came rushing back, and I almost lost control of myself and fell into their embrace without another word.
But a larger part of me knew I had to speak. Silence had always been the problem. Like Rip said, only cowards were afraid to say what they wanted, and I wasn’t going to let fear stand in the way, not one more day.
“There’s something here,” I said. “There’s something between us. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know what it means, but it’s here. Can’t you feel it, Mars?”
Mars sucked in a breath. “Of course I can feel it,” he said. “But that’s just… that’s just sex.” He shook his head, clearly disbelieving. “And the two of you can barely handle being in the same fucking room.”
