Chapter Nineteen
Clark
Back in high school, when I was still getting over the trauma of being bullied, I didn’t do all the healing I needed to do on my own. My mom helped me a lot, and Valeria made all the difference in the world once she came along, but I owe a lot of my progress to my therapist, Dr. Campbell.
I’d never seen someone for mental health stuff before, and at first, I was so embarrassed about needing the help. But Dr. Campbell was warm and welcoming. She was a lesbian, with long strands of dark hair and the most amazing style I had ever seen, from her bright nail polish and lipstick to the flowing dresses she wore every day. She helped me come to understand that it wasn’t my fault I got bullied, but that it was my job to take care of myself and to figure out ways to feel better.
Dr. Campbell’s influence shaped my life in many ways. It also explained how I ended up lying in the middle of my bed with Ezra and on one side and Valeria on the other and a stack of movies, snacks, and coloring books waiting nearby.
Figure out what makes you feel safe,Dr. Campbell had told me,and when things are really bad, give yourself the gift of feeling good.
We’d even made a list of things that made me feel better. Sci-fi novels were at the top, of course, but so was time with my friends.
Valeria pushed some hair out of my face, then stroked my back, tracing her long nails down my spine in the way I liked. “You look calm,” she said. “Ready to consider another movie?”
I grabbed some chips out of the bowl in Ezra’s lap. “Maybe not quite yet,” I said. “Aren’t you two getting sick of watching movies in bed with me anyway? You’ve been here all day.”
“It’s not really something to complain about,” Ezra said warmly. “We get to help out our best friend and spend a whole day lying around and snacking? Twist my arm, why don’t you.”
Valeria laughed, then grabbed some chips for herself. “Exactly. And I’m very much looking forward to ordering your favorite Thai food for dinner.”
“You know the routine,” I laughed. “How many times have you been through this?”
Valeria grabbed one of the coloring books, then hitched herself up to start filling in the pictures of dolphins and unicorns. “Enough that I can still count them, even though it’s been quite a few years,” she said. “I just wish you didn’t have to keep going through the things you’re going through.”
Ezra put a finger to his lips and shot Valeria a glance. She quickly covered her mouth. “Sorry, Clark. I forgot. No discussing whatever triggered you while in bed.”
I pulled myself up beside her. “It’s okay,” I said. “I think I can talk about Rip without falling apart.” I gestured to the pile of DVDs by the laptop. “The magic has been working,” I said dryly.
“It really helps that much just to watch DVDs?” Ezra asked. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but…”
“It’s not just the movies,” I said, “although distraction is very important when I’m having a hard time. I have those breathing exercises that help and some mantras I’ve been using for years.” I smiled to myself for the first time that day, remembering how effectively all the tools had been. “Anyway, a lot of the work happened with my therapist. We talked through everything, and she guided me through this thing called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.”
“It was kind of amazing,” Valeria added. “He thought about being bullied and they literally changed the patterns in his brain by flashing lights at him.”
I leaned my head against Valeria’s shoulder, glad that she had always been around. “It’s a little more complicated than that, but that’s the gist of it. The point is, all the work I did then paid off now. Giving myself a day off and watching movies in my safe space is just a way to reconnect with that, so I don’t start slipping backward.”
“We’ll be here to catch you, no matter what happens,” Valeria said.
I took in a deep breath, then squeezed the muscles in my hands to let out some anxiety. “It did happen again, though,” I said. “Rip happened again. It wasn’t like other times, when something random set me off. It was actually Rip, and he was actually yelling at me.”
“We can talk to him for you,” Ezra said. “Make sure he knows he’s not welcome around anymore.”
“I’ll tell him a lot more than that,” Valeria said.
I shook my head, then wrapped my arms around my chest to give myself a hug. “I just don’t understand why,” I said. “He seemed so different. I really believed he had changed.”
“Some people get jealous,” Ezra pointed out. “You were hooking up with his best friend. Maybe he was upset about that?”
“But he encouraged me to hook up with Mars,” I said, and when his name escaped my lips, I winced.
Mars…
I wanted so desperately for Mars to be in the bed with us, holding me and stroking my hair. Even when Rip was yelling, with Mars’s arms wrapped around my shoulders and my face pressed to his chest, I was able to stand, and to feel held.
“It just doesn’t make sense,” I said again.
“I think you’re falling for Mars, sweetheart,” Valeria said gently. “And that’s confusing. I know we’ve both encouraged you to have some fun with him, but maybe things have gotten too complicated for that. Maybe your heart is more mixed up in this than you realized.”
“There are lots of other guys in the city still,” Ezra said. “Guys who don’t come with all of this baggage.”
I pulled myself up a little taller, then took a drink from the soda on the nightstand. “I think I need to talk to him,” I said. “Maybe I do need to move on. Maybe this is all over. But I need to talk to him, because this just doesn’t make sense. More than anything else, I need him to know I’m not scared anymore.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Valeria agreed. “Mars has texted and tried to call a few times, so I’m sure he’s eager to talk to you, too.”
“No,” I said softly. “Not Mars.”
“Not Mars?” Ezra asked.
“Rip,” I said. “I need to talk to Rip.”
