Immediately, my mind flashed back to the episodes she had when I was growing up, times when her apartment would have been filled with trash and she would wander around in the same nightgown all week. I wasn’t sure if the current situation was just a show for my arrival, but I was glad she at least had the energy to tidy, anyway.
“I still just feel awful that you moved across the country to take care of me,” she said, resting her hand on my elbow. “It was just a little setback, you know. Silly, really, for you to upend your life like that.”
I had a strong suspicion that there was more to the story, but I knew that there would be better times to draw it out of her. Instead, I pulled her into another embrace, then joined her on the loveseat. “I’ve got Mars with me,” I said. “And we were getting over Detroit, anyway. I can make better money with my tattoo gun here, and he can launch his piercing career.” I paused, then reached out to track her hand. “How are you doing, anyway?” I asked. “We’ll have lots of time to talk later, I know, but how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?”
“You can avoid treating me like I’m helpless,” she said pointedly. “Don’t forget, I’ve been living all on my own for years. I’m still the woman who left home at twenty to become a roadie for Kiss, you know. And even with my recent challenges, I’m at the top of my pool league.”
“Don’t be so sure,” I teased. “I might finally be able to give you a run for your money.”
She laughed, and her chiming voice threw me back to the few happy moments from my childhood. “Keep your eyes away from my league, sweetie,” she joked. “I don’t care how many times we’ve saved each other. If you come for my title, all bets are off.”
I laughed, then squeezed her hand. For now, I was glad just to see Aunt Grace again.
“Let me start hauling boxes in,” I said. “You got stuff in the fridge for dinner, or should I go out?”
“I was thinking Chinese delivery,” she said. “Just like old times.”
“Just like old times,” I answered and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.
And as I started emptying the car, I was glad she saw things that way. I was glad old times could make us smile together, despite all the bullshit we’d been through. But I couldn’t help feeling a pang of guilt, too. She’d offered me a warm place to sleep so many nights over the years, but when things finally fell apart, I had disappeared without a word.
Maybe it was the guy she was dating at the time, Hank, who was nothing but bad news and not at all a fan of gay people. It could have been the cocaine he brought into the house, too, causing a long relapse in her life. But honestly, I knew even then that I was running from myself, not from her. I knew that the person I was becoming in Seattle was not the person I should be, and I didn’t want Aunt Grace, the only person who always loved me, to see the full extent of my mistakes.
I didn’t want her to know I was a bully, and that I took my pain out on others.
Over the years, the random phone calls from payphones happened more and more often, and I even managed to take a bus back to visit a couple of times. But now that I was home, I wasn’t just ready to take care of Aunt Grace like she had taken care of me. I was ready to show her that I was a good man. I had learned to take care of myself and to break the patterns of violence that hounded our family.
I was ready for a new life to start.
