“I did,” I said. “I was.”
Clark’s friends huddled a little closer around him, and I saw that there was a tremble in his shoulder. He must have been feeling the past, weighing on his body, the same as I was feeling every horrible mistake I had made.
It was a pain I had given him, and that I yearned to take away.
“I hate that I can’t just ignore you,” Clark said quietly. “I hate that I can’t go back to pretending you never existed in the first place.”
His words stung, but I nodded. “I can give you space,” I said. “I understand that.”
He shook his head quickly. “It’s not that easy.” He turned his gaze back to meet mine, and I forced myself not to turn away. “I like Mars. I like hanging out with him, more every time we see each other.”
“He does grow on you,” I said, well aware of Mars’s charms.
Clark furrowed his brow, and I realized it wasn’t the time to bond over our shared friend. “But hanging out with Mars,” he continued, “means I can’t avoid you.”
Sharp panic tingled my spine, and I tightened my fists. He couldn’t possibly ask me to part ways with Mars, could he? Mars was my best friend, and anyway, he wouldn’t leave me behind for Clark, no matter how much fun they were having.
No matter how much I had fucked up.
Would he?
“I was thinking about you,” I said, the words escaping my lips before I could even think about them. “The night that I met Mars.”
Clark stared at me, not saying a word, and then the story tumbled out. A story I hadn’t really thought about in years but that came flashing back to mind, as clear as the night it happened.
“I had been living on my own for a year at that point, and I’d even taken a few other gay teens under my protection, showing them the ropes and helping them stay safe. Mainly, though, I just wandered from one shelter to the next, chasing warmer weather when I could. Then one day, I came across Mars. He was totally on his own at that point, more lost than anyone I had met. Not to mention he was already in a couple tight spots. I found him one night in an alley, when he was about to fall victim to one of the meanest guys on the street.”
I paused and thought about stopping myself. But for some reason, the story had to come out. “I’ll never forget it. It was just like when I met you in the high school, alone in that hallway. You were each scared and vulnerable because of who you were. In high school, I didn’t have the courage to stand up for you, Clark, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. But a couple of years later, when I first found Mars, I remembered that moment, and I swore to myself that I would do better. I put my own neck on the line for once and stood up for a stranger instead of running away.” I shook my head, then swallowed despite my dry mouth. “I just want you to know I didn’t forget you, just like I never forgave myself for what I did in high school.”
Silence lowered on the store, and I became aware all over again of all the eyes staring at me. I was like a dark cloud in the brightly colored shop, a scowling interruption to the relaxed fun that must have usually filled the space.
Clark turned and whispered something to his friend with the shaved head. She nodded a few times, and his friends shared a quiet huddle.
“Mars says you’re a good guy,” Clark finally said. “He says I should give you a chance.”
I blinked a few times, surprised by his reaction. “You want to give me a chance?”
Clark let out a puff of air. “Not really, no,” he said. “But my friends think I should.”
“We like Mars,” Ezra said.
“We like that he makes Clark happy,” the woman with the shaved head added. “And we think it would be good for Clark, to put this whole thing behind him.”
My muscles untensed. It wasn’t forgiveness, not exactly, but it was the closest to forgiveness I had ever gotten. I studied Clark and watched as he straightened his back, rising up to full height to speak again.
“I’d like to hang out with the two of you,” he said. “Together.”
I nodded quickly. “Of course, sure,” I said. “And I’m sure Mars would like that, too.” The group behind the counter kept staring at me, and I realized that I was supposed to take the lead. “I’m working at the tattoo shop all week,” I said. “But maybe I could take you out for a drink? There’s a little bar across town where Mars and I play pool.”
“The Steel Rose,” Clark said quickly. “We can get a drink there. I know one of the bartenders. It’s right down the street.”
“Sure,” I said. “Wherever you’re comfortable. I’ll text to figure out the details.”
Clark nodded quickly, then turned back to his friends. I lingered for a minute, fighting the urge to step forward. I wanted some kind of release, some kind of acknowledgment of what had just happened. I wanted to pull him in my arms and whisper my apologies in his ear, instead of just standing there, stiff and awkward.
But I knew I hadn’t earned that. I hadn’t earned honest forgiveness. I might never, in fact. But at least things were moving in the right direction, and at least I hadn’t screwed up a new relationship for Mars.
“Thank you, Clark,” I said, then headed out the door before I had to face his silence again.
