“No!You mustn’t!”Her panic this time had a frantic edge.Her father would become involved.He would demand her obedience.The delicate balance she had struck with her parents gave her the ability to work.What Andrew was asking put all that at risk.She spent too many years avoiding her father’s notice to risk it now.“You mustn’t do that, Andrew.”
“Why ever not?It is a mere formality.We are of age, and he can’t forbid it.The worst he can do is withhold your dowry or cut you off from family funds.Is that what worries you?”
She thought for a moment.“No, but I shouldn’t like it.I would hate being treated like chattel.It would be ugly.He would make it ugly.”She knew that he would humiliate her, that her mother would humiliate her.
“Very well, we can forgo the courtesy of it and simply marry.”
“It would never be simple!At first banns they would swoop down and begin to bully the minister and the local magistrate.The entire shire would be in an uproar.They would know immediately.They have eyes everywhere.”
She grabbed his arm in her agitation, clinging tightly.“And Andrew, I have nothing but my house.I would come to you with nothing.”She would contribute nothing.She wouldn’t be a partner.She would be completely dependent on him.Her fragile independence mattered too much to give it up for another man’s care.
“Georgiana, your beautiful self is certainly not ‘nothing.’”He ignored the horse.“And there is also the work.You have already done me the honor of sharing the work.”
She wondered how the work could be enough.Their partnership was too new, too fragile.
“You are correct about one thing: His Grace’s eyes and ears.”Andrew went on without waiting for an answer.“I wouldn’t care to elope, however.I want to pledge my fidelity before God and the world—yes, even in the face of His Grace of Sudbury—not before some blacksmith in Gretna.Your father’s reach doesn’t frighten me.”
“It should.And my mother?—”
“Ah.Your mother.Now, she is quite frightening.”He said it lightly.
“Perhaps not to you, but you have no idea how much cruelty she can inflict.”
“But I do, Love.I saw her at her worst, remember?”
“You saw her aim barbs at me.She ignored you.You were beneath her notice.You have never been on the receiving end of her attacks.She finds everyone’s weakness sooner or later and exploits it to cause pain.Sometimes I think she enjoys it.”
“We could obtain a special license.”His voice reached a new level of wariness.“Once we’re married, you would never need to see her.”
“Don’t be absurd.Don’t you understand that his eyes are everywhere?The Archbishop of Canterbury is his cousin.York is my uncle, and Winchester simply a shooting companion but a close friend for all that.It willnotdo.”
His refusal to face reality irritated her.Suddenly she felt sick, weary unto death, of men telling her what was best for her.
“Andrew, don’t you see, marriage is so very public.I don’t want to ruin this beautiful thing we have—the two of us alone.”
He pulled the horse to the side with abrupt movements and turned to face her.Her arms hurt where his fingers bit into them.
“What precisely is that, Georgiana?What do we have?What were you doing tonight?Researching Nossis of Locri?”She had hurt him; she hadn’t meant to, but she had hurt him.
“No, no, never that,” she soothed.“What we have is a precious thing, precious and, and private.”
He ran his hands through his hair again, the familiar gesture of exasperation, before he picked up the reins and urged the horse on.“It is never private, Love.”He didn’t look at her.“Desire may feed on the soul of an individual, but it is never private.It always impacts the larger world.What is it you want from me?What were you asking for tonight?”
She couldn’t answer that.She had intended to demand a kiss and gotten more than she anticipated.She could only stare at him, touched beyond measure, but equally confused and riddled with anxiety, wondering what to do with this new reality.
He came to a halt again, and she found herself at the lane to Helsington Cottage.He came round and lifted her to the ground.
His kissed her, a kiss as fierce as it was brief.She reached to pull him back, but he held her away.“We need to settle this.”
“I can’t talk about marriage, Andrew.I simply can’t.Perhaps tomorrow we can piece this together.”
“Perhaps.”He looked dubious.He glanced up at the dark shadow of the house.“Be careful.If you don’t want to marry, you best take care that the world doesn’t know where you’ve been.”
In the deep darkness before dawn, she walked up the lane to her house alone.
* * *
Andrew nursedhis anger all the way to Cambridge.Her proud back, walking unbowed down the night-shrouded lane, had inflamed and infuriated him.Every bump along the route deepened his rage, every slowing of his horse’s steps his frustration.She had no idea what she did to him, and in his opinion, she didn’t care either.A bitter smile followed that thought.She ought to know now what she did to him—even if she didn’t care.
