“I understood the end was near. I was there for emergencies, so that he wouldn’t be alone.”
It had been dim in the sunroom that night, and so quiet, like there had been no other sounds in the world except Sean’s voice. “You’re right; he was staring at the door when I walked in. He gestured me over. I dropped into the chair by his bed and listened. He held my hand and just talked, like he was trying to comfortme.”
“He was, Sara. Do you recall the poem he quoted?She walks in beauty like the night...”
“…Of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that’s best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.” My lips ached to smile at that memory. What a geek. Who quotes Byron to his sister? “We talked a little longer about ordinary things. I can’t really remember what. Probably anime. And how much school I’d missed that week. When we ran out of topics, he’d said something about being ready to rest. So I laid my head on the bed at his waist, and clasped his hand, and...” The remainder of the sentence lodged in my throat.
“He smoothed your hair until you dozed.”
“I failed him, Camarin.” Her name bubbled out on a moan. “I couldn’t stay awake, and Sean slipped away.”
“You didn’t fail him, Sara.No.” She straightened and faced me. “It all went according to his plan.”
“What plan?”
“He wanted your last memory of him to be his smile. So he held it together until you drifted to sleep—and then he let go.”
The ragged sound of my sobs shattered the stillness.Oh, Sean. I was with you at the beginning. I wanted to be with you at the end.
“You were, Sara. You were with him, but on his terms.” She clasped my cold hand between hers. “You were the last person he saw. The last person he touched. He saved his final words foryou.”
My legs, my arms, my entire body was shaking.
“He was closer to death than anyone realized. Except you, Sara. You were right, and we were wrong.”
“About how sick he was? Maybe. About him? No. He knew what he wanted, and that wasn’t good enough for me.”
“There is no need to feel guilt. Sean wouldn’t have expected you to be different. In your disagreements, he found certainty.”
I looked at Camarin, this Being who had been the scapegoat for my grief, confusion, and envy. Now she was the source of my relief because, someday, this story might let me forgive myself.
I gripped her hands tightly. Mine were trembling. She held on, to comfort me. To keep me from falling.
“I am so sorry, Camarin.”
“I have always understood.”
Her words soothed my soul, and I cried.
32
Clearly in Profile
My phone buzzed at seven AM on Friday. I rolled over with a groan. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
It was Scott, sounding entirely too cheery. I sat up and slid my legs from the bed. “What’s planned today?”
“The gazebo.”
“Wait. Weren’t you going to build that?”
“The sling is off. I can do whatever I want, as long as I take it easy.” He was practically crowing with excitement.
“Wow, that’s great. So...” I stopped and refocused. Mom wanted me to go along on the rental property hunt, and no way would I disappoint her. “I can’t make it today. The house sold, and there’s stuff I need to do.”
“Sure. What about Grant and Camarin?”
