“Really?” I say. “Why?”
“Well, I put on my heavy coat because the weather’s turning, and wouldn’t you know I found a twenty-dollar bill in the pocket left behind from last fall when I wore it. And I said to myself,Lou, this is either a good omen, or else it’s the start of Alzheimer’s.” She grins. “I chose the former.”
I love the way her wrinkles have weathered her smile. I love seeing how age will look on my face, one day.
“Is my grandbaby here too?” she asks, looking behind me in the hall. “Did you bring him for another one of those college visits?”
“No, Mama, he’s in classes now. You’re gonna have to make do with just me.”
“Justyou,” she teases. “As if that was never enough.” She closes the door behind her as I unbutton my coat. She holds out her hand for it, but I reach into the closet instead for a hanger. The last thing I’m going to do is make my mama wait on me, too. I put my coat next to hers, and just for old times’ sake, run my hand down the soft underbelly of Mama’s lucky scarf before closing the closet door.
“Where’s Ms. Mina?” I ask.
“Shopping, downtown, with Christina and the baby,” she says.
“I don’t want to interrupt you if you’re busy —”
“For you, baby, I always have time. Come into the dining room. I’m just doing a little cleaning.” She starts down the hallway, and I follow, carefully noticing the way she’s favoring her right knee because of the bursitis in her left.
On the dining room table a white sheet is spread, and the strings of crystal that form the massive chandelier overhead are laying on it like trails of tears. A pungent bowl of ammonia solution sits in the center. My mother sits down and resumes her task of dipping each strand, then letting it air dry.
“How did you get those down?” I ask, eyeing the chandelier.
“Carefully,” my mama replies.
I think about her balancing on the table, or a chair. “It’s too dangerous for you to do that kind of stuff anymore—”
She waves me away. “I been doing this for fifty years,” my mama says. “I could clean crystal in a coma.”
“Well, keep climbing up to get them down from the chandelier and you might get your wish.” I frown. “Did you go to the orthopedist whose name I gave you?”
“Ruth, stop babying me.” She starts to fill in the space between us by asking about Edison’s grades. She says that Adisa is worried about her sixteen-year-old dropping out of high school (something she failed to mention to me at the nail salon). As we talk, I help lift strands of crystal and dip them into the ammonia solution, feeling the liquid burn my skin, and pride—even more bitter—burn the back of my throat.
When my sister and I were little, Mama used to bring us here on Saturdays to work. She framed this as a big deal, a privilege—not all kids are well behaved enough to shadow a parent at a job! If you’re good, you get to push the button on the dumbwaiter that brings the dishes up from the dining room to the kitchen!But what started as a treat soured quickly for me. True, sometimes we got to play with Christina and her Barbies, but when she had a friend over, Rachel and I were evicted to the kitchen or the laundry room, where Mama showed us how to iron cuffs and collars. At ten, I finally rebelled. “Maybeyou’reokay with this, but I don’t want to be Ms. Mina’s slave,” I told my mother, loud enough to maybe be overheard, and she slapped me. “You donotuse that word to describe an honest, paying job,” my mama corrected. “The same job that put that sweater on your back and those shoes on your feet.”
What I didn’t realize at the time was that our apprenticeship had a higher purpose. We were learning the whole time—how to make hospital corners on a bed, how to get stains out of the grout, how to make a roux. My mama had been teaching us to be self-sufficient, so that we’d never be in the position Ms. Mina was in, unable to do things for ourselves.
We finish cleaning the crystal drops, and I stand on a chair while my mama hands them to me one by one to hang from the chandelier again. They are blinding in their beauty. “So,” Mama says when we are nearly finished, “are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or do I have to pry it loose?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I was just missing you, that’s all.”
It’s true. I came to Manhattan because I wanted to see her. I wanted to go somewhere where I knew I’d be valued.
“What happened at work, Ruth?”
When I was a child my mother’s intuition was so uncanny it took me many years to realize she wasn’t psychic. She didn’t know the future; she just knewme.
“Usually you can’t stop talking about a set of triplets or a father-in-law who punched out a new daddy in the waiting room. Today, you haven’t mentioned the hospital at all.”
I step down from the chair and fold my arms. The best lies are the ones that are wrapped around a core of truth. So although I conspicuously leave out any mention of Turk Bauer or the dead baby or Carla Luongo, I tell Mama about the nursing student and the patient who so easily assumed that she was the one in charge, instead of me. The words spill like a waterfall, with more force behind them than I expect. By the time I am finished, we are both sitting in the kitchen, and my mother has set a cup of tea down in front of me.
Mama purses her lips, as if she’s weighing evidence. “Maybe you just imagined it.”
I wonder if this is why I’m the way I am, the reason I tend to make excuses for everyone but myself and try so hard to fit in seamlessly. My mother modeled that behavior for years.
But what if she is right? Could I be overreacting? I replay the interaction in my head. It’s not the same as the incident with Turk Bauer—Mrs. Braunstein didn’t even mention the color of my skin. What if my mama’s right and I’m the one who’s being overly sensitive? What ifI’mmaking the assumption that the patient’s comments were made because Virginia’s white and I’m not? Doesn’t that makemethe one who can’t see past race?
Clear as a bell, I hear Adisa’s voice in my head:That’s just what they want: for you to doubt yourself. As long as they can make you think you’re not worthy, they still got you in chains.
