“I won’t be responsible for your death, so I can’t take this ring.And besides, you already have me.”
He gives me a searching look and if I wounded him horribly by refusing his ring, it’s not the only thing in his eyes.Finally, he sighs, then places the ring on his nightstand table.
“See?Freedom’s not all it’s cracked up to be either,” he says.“It involves making your own choices.And mistakes.For better or worse.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I just lean back against the headrest.
After a while, he moves closer so our sides are touching.His skin is as hot as that look he sometimes gives me, hot enough to ward off any and all kinds of chills.Even the one still gripping me now.
He puts his arm around my shoulders and I let him, even lean against him a little more.Just doing what feels natural without too much thinking.
“I’m going to visit my sister soon,” he says.“You can come too.I want you to meet her.”
The mention of his sister brings Chiara’s pale sleeping face to the forefront of my mind.Her blood pooling on the floor.
But like so many things, that is behind us now too.
“Maybe the two of you can have your own conversation about freedom and choices,” he says darkly when I don’t respond.“And the bloodshed it can bring.”
The darkness in his voice isn’t directed just at me now.I can sense that.But I am a part of it too.I’ll probably forever be a part of his darkness from now on.Just like he’ll always be a part of mine.
“Sure, I’ll come with you to see her,” I say.“Beats sitting in a room all day.”
And after he introduces me to his family, maybe he’ll better understand my need to see my own.
“I think sitting in a room all day has its merits,” he says and holds me closer.I let him.
“We could do exactly that all day and night,” I say.“If you just stopped chasing your revenge and your war.If you just stopped and put everything back the way it was.”
I didn’t know I still had fire within me until those words just gushed out like lava from a volcano.A very dormant, very still, and silent volcano.
He looks at me, all that everlasting sadness and regret back in his eyes.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“Why?It’s so simple.You have your house here, your men, we could just start a new life.You can let my family go and we can both be free.”
He holds me tighter still, but his skin isn’t so nicely hot anymore.It’s cold now, like stone in winter is cold.
“It’s not that simple, Goldie,” he says.“I have too many enemies here.They’ve taken everything from me once and they’ll do it again if I let them live.But it’s a nice thought.Let’s hope it comes true one day.”
His voice says he does hope so.But also that he doesn’t think it’ll ever happen.
And now I’m just tired again.Tired and cold.Maybe the last of my fire went out with making that suggestion.And who knows what is left now.But his arm around me feels nice, his strong body to lean on feels nice too, and knowing he wants me to be his wife, that feels very nice too.
Maybe Maria is right about this too.Maybe all these good things and feelings are God’s way of showing me he still thinks of me and wants the best for me.And maybe that is enough.
Chapter20
GIANNA
It’s beenthree days since he said he’d take me to meet his sister, but he hasn’t mentioned it since.I also haven’t seen a lot of him, except late at night when he wakes me with his soft kisses and even softer love making.I still don’t know how I feel about that, or any of it.But when I don’t think too hard, I know I like it.A lot.Too much.
So I try not to think about it at all.
I’ve been speaking to Chiara on the phone every day.Maria has now left me the phone again while she cooks lunch for all the men who live on this estate now.The men Matteo recruited for his war.There are a lot of them.I hear them talking in the garden sometimes, or in the hallways of the house, but I’ve yet to see any of them.Sometimes I imagine I can hear my father’s voice among them too.
I can move freely through the wing of the house where the bedroom is.That’s half a floor at least.Five huge rooms, two of them sitting rooms.There’s even a TV room with a huge screen TV, and a DVD player, which are both old but still work.And the library of movies is extensive.
