But, as they say, hope dies last.
Chapter17
GIANNA
The conversationwith Matteo left me in such a funk that I didn’t even feel like eating the cake or having the coffee.Maria was in a rush to get back to the cooking, so I just followed her inside and went back to the bedroom, thinking some silence and watching the ocean ripple in the distance would help.
Nothing will ever help again.
That’s all the insight I got from staring at the ocean all afternoon.It’s fully dark now, the waning crescent moon high above in the sky casting a very pale light over everything.
There was a lot of commotion in the house earlier.Men talking, engines revving, and excitement in the air.But it has all died down again and the house and garden have been silent for a while now.Maria came to collect some of my dresses for laundering, and asked if I wanted some dinner, but I refused.
I’d expected Matteo to be here by now.Even had vague notions of the two of us eating dinner together.But he hasn’t come yet and it’s getting very late.
Truth is, I don’t even know what to say to him.
He opened up about his mother.And I could feel there’s a lot of pain there.A lot of darkness.
But he also refused to let me see my own mother.And there’s a lot of pain and darkness there too.My own.
If I don’t find a way to square it all away in my mind, find some sort of middle ground, I’ll just lose my mind.I’m sure of that now.
But does any of it even matter?
I’ll still be his prisoner.My family will still be scattered and homeless.My little sister will still be married to the man who caused all of it.And I’ll still love and hate Matteo.
I hear footsteps coming across the bedroom and my heart rate quickens, sweet anticipation of pleasure a whirlwind in my stomach, stronger and fiercer because I try to fight it.I should not be excited to see him.
“Are you sure you’re not hungry?”Maria’s voice asks from the balcony doorway.
And the disappointment that it’s not Matteo is like a blow to the chest.I should not feel that either.And I should’ve known it wasn’t him.There was no sunshine-like heat accompanying the footsteps.
“I’m fine,” I mutter and keep my eyes fixed on the ocean.
More soft footsteps sound and then she’s standing beside me, the nighttime breeze moving her long wavy hair and the moonlight illuminating her face, making her look like a marble statue.
“You’re not fine,” she says.“But you will be.You just have to get through the worst of it.”
“And accept that this is my life forever now?”I snap at her.“How can I?He took everything from me.”
She makes an annoyed sound with her tongue and doesn’t reply for a few moments.Like she’s trying to find the right words.There are none.I’ve searched.
“I understand that you miss your family,” she finally says.“And I know I’m not the person you want advice from, but I’d like to give you some anyway.”
She looks at me as though waiting for permission.And maybe it’s the way she looks like she was cut from marble, or maybe it’s that I’ve been so lonely and confused for so long, having only Matteo to talk to—when he chooses to be with me—that I nod.
She clears her throat then slides her palm down my cheek, catching a stray lock of hair and pushing it back behind my ear.“There are worse things than having the love of a man like Matteo.He loves you very much, I can see that.”
I shudder and move away from her touch.Figures her advice would be actually singing his praises and nothing to do with what I need.
“I’m not just saying that,” she says.“I’ve been with the family since before he was born and helped raise him, so I know what kind of man he is.And this, keeping you prisoner, that’s not him.”
“Youknewhim,” I say.“But maybe you don’t know him anymore.Because heiskeeping me prisoner.Maybe he’s no longer the man you knew.”
She nods.“I was afraid of that.But he’s still in there.Just hidden by a lot of years of suffering.Tarnished, but not gone.”
I scoff again.But I wish what she was saying was true.And I don’t.Because it’s so much harder to hate him when I believe it is true.
