Shrugging, I said, “I’m just looking for clarity, Hawk. If I understand your expectations of me, of this,” I said, motioning between us, “then I can adjust accordingly. I thought we already figured this out, but perhaps I misunderstood. But like I said, I’m not a child. I knew what being here could mean. I just wish I’d had all the information.”
He stepped closer, too close. There was always a pull to him, but when I was this close, just inches from his face, some sort of aura seemed to radiate off him and suck me in even closer. “Kat, just because you don’t have a patch doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. You’re so fucking precious to me. You’ve consumed me. Even when you’re trying to kill me, I fall even harder.”
“If I was trying, you’d be dead.”
He cupped my face, forcing me to look in his eyes. “But you didn’t. You keep saying I haven’t been clear, but I’ve communicated with you since you’ve been here. I never expected to become this person. This man. I’ve told you how I feel and you’ve seen me come apart over you. You tell me nothing and you’re mad about something you don’t even understand.” His hands trembled on my face, sending pressurebehind my eyes. “I don’t get mad at you for not talking to me about your feelings because I thought what we have didn’t need words.” He sucked in a deep breath, then tilted my face down and pressed his lips to my forehead. His voice dropped to almost a whisper. “I’ve given you my rugged heart and you’re rejecting it over a patch that will be yours. Just not today.”
His hands slipped from my face. My chin trembled as I fought back the lump that bounced in my throat. He finally went to the bathroom, gently closing the door.
Swallowing hard, a tear rolled down my cheek. I wanted to go to him. But he still didn’t get it.Maybe I didn’t get it. Wiping my face, I rummaged through the closet and pulled jeans, a t-shirt, and some shoes out. I threw on a bra then got dressed and ran to the other bathroom to brush my teeth. We both had extras in there because he always woke up before I did and didn’t want to disturb me, but I joked that I could wake up first one day.
I’d also shoved some hair ties in there when I unpacked, trying to sprinkle little bits of me all over. When I finally was walking out, I stopped and looked at his cut hanging by the door. What was it that I was losing my mind over all of the sudden?
Heading outside, I rubbed my arms as I walked to the clubhouse. The air was cool and the sun hadn’t come up yet.
Walking inside, things were mostly quiet. The music wasn’t on yet. Usually it was even on low when I came to help her prepare breakfast. It was dark and eerie as I made my way to the kitchen.
Stepping inside, only the under-the-cabinet lights wereon. I’d beat Mama Hen.
Flipping the lights on, I checked the white board. Mama Hen had a menu up to keep track of all of the meals. With that many people living there, you had to have order. It was like running a bed and breakfast, at least what I imagined it would be like. It was similar to running the restaurant, but there were tenants, too.
I had made coffee, pulled out all the supplies, and preheated the ovens when the door swung open.
“Well good morning, hon,” Mama Hen said as she shuffled in. “You’re up early.”
I measured dry batter and poured it into the bowl.
“You get any sleep?” she asked.
Cracking eggs into the empty measuring cup, I nodded.
Her hand landed on my shoulder. “Hey.”
My hands went to the counter and my head dropped. “I’m messing this all up.”
“Oh honey, you have to try hard to mess up box muffins.”
I giggled, and she squeezed my shoulder. “I needed that.”
She leaned against the counter so she could see me. “What’s up, hon? Why do you think you’re messing up?”
“I’m fighting with my husband over something that I admittedly don’t seem to understand. And he seemed so hurt. But instead of consoling him, I just left.”
She sighed. “Well, I know my boy, and he can be difficult. You put two strong personalities together and sometimes you’regonna butt heads. That’s normal. In any marriage.”
“I know. But why does this patch thing bother me so much? He keeps saying I don’t understand. Which,” I said as I threw my hands up, “I don’t.”
“What do you want to know? We talked about it last night. You can ask me anything.”
Turning, I leaned on the counter. “Why don’t I have one? How do you get one? What does it mean? You all told me how you met your men and eventually got the patch, but I don’t understand what I need to do to earn one.”
Her lips formed a line. “Well, you’re not gonna like this, but honestly, there’s no one way for women. It’s up to the men.”
“So itishis fault?” My head dipped again. “Why does he think I’m not worthy?”
She covered my hand with hers. “Is that what you think? That he doesn’t think you’re worthy?”
“Well, why else hasn’t he?”
