“She was,” Debra nodded. “She clocked it straight away. The history…or at least whatever it is that Billie and I have between us.”
“And?”
“And she asked questions I couldn’t dodge.”
Maeve nodded slowly. “Like whether you were really available.”
“Yes. It turns out that I’m not. It just took seeing Billie to remind me of that.”
“How was Billie?”
God, that was quite the question. She was…stunningly beautiful. She was…perfect in all of her messy, chaotic personality. She wasreal. “She was different. Quieter than usual. She looked like someone who had finally stopped bracing for impact. It was nice to see, since I’ve always wondered who she really was deep down.”
Maeve shifted closer and rested her elbow on the back of the couch. “She’s changed?”
“Yes. At least she’s changed enough for it to be noticeable. Whatever spiral she was in, whatever was going on in her life…she’s definitely changed.” Debra’s pulse picked up a little. Billie had been so heartfelt before she’d left her apartment, but Debra hadn’t been able to ask for more at the time. She hadn’t beenable to tell Billie she wanted to see her again. It hadn’t felt appropriate in the moment, and Debra had needed to walk the streets of London with it before she’d made a decision. “She’s…I need to see her again.”
Maeve’s brow creased. “Debra…”
“I know,” she said as she lifted a hand. “I’m being careful. I’m not rushing in blind.”
“But you’re not stepping away either.”
Debra shook her head. “No.”
Maeve took a sip of wine, then sighed. “So where does that leave you?”
Debra lay her head back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. “I want to see where things go with Billie. Slowly, and on my own terms as much as hers, but I do. Ineedto see where it goes, Maeve.”
“I don’t really know what to say. I thought you were moving on.”
“I don’t want to rescue her or fix her. I just want to know her as she is now.”
“And how are you thinking of doing that?”
Debra smiled when a shiver worked its way up her spine. “I was thinking of asking her over. Maybe just for a glass of wine with no expectations. Or maybe dinner if she feels up to that.”
“This is a pretty big shift from where you were a month ago.”
Debra laughed. “Tell me about it.”
“I am a little worried about this, but I can also see the difference in you when you talk about her now.”
A swell of emotion rushed up Debra’s throat unexpectedly. If people noticed the change in her mood when she talked about Billie, that surely had to mean something. “It feels different. Even the way she looked at me was different.”
Maeve lifted her glass. “Then do it. Invite her over. Just promise me one thing.”
“What’s that?”
Maeve met her gaze. “That you won’t disappear from your own life trying to make space for hers.”
Debra reached for Maeve’s hand and squeezed it. “I won’t. I promise.”
The quiet settled around them, giving Debra the perfect opportunity to decide if this was what she really wanted to do. But the decision had already been made the moment she’d walked out of Billie’s apartment building. The hope in her chest wasn’t similar to the hope in the past. It didn’t sit the same, and it didn’t swell the same. It flourished the moment she looked into Billie’s eyes at the door, and even now, a couple of hours on, it hadn’t really settled.
Debra had been pacingfor the last ten minutes, back and forth across the living room, debating whether or not to do this. She knew in her heart what she wanted, but her heart hadn’t always had the brightest of ideas. Hadn’t she learned that by ever falling for Billie Brown in the first place? She picked up her phone for the fifth time, then put it back down on the counter again.
Fucking hell. This is ridiculous.
