“I…would still like to explain at some point.” Billie chewed her bottom lip as she gazed back at Debra. “It’s clear that you and Lucille are going somewhere, and I know I had the chance to be happy, so I only have myself to blame, but I think for my own closure and my own peace of mind, I’d still like to be honest with you.”
“Then we should have coffee together sometime.” Debra lowered her empty cup to the table and took her coat from the arm of the couch. “Maybe you could call me when you think you’re ready to sit down with me. I know it’ll be hard, and you can tell me as much or as little as you’re comfortable with, but please…don’t force yourself to do it.”
When Debra stood and moved towards the door, Billie followed her. She turned back as she shrugged her coat on, and it was in that moment that Billie saw the tiredness at the edges of Debra’s eyes.
“Can I say something?” Billie asked, maintaining a distance so she didn’t do something utterly ridiculous that she couldn’t take back. “Something that won’t change anything at all. I know where we stand with one another, but I just need to say it because I know I’ll probably never find the courage to say it again…”
Debra frowned. “What is it?”
“I made the biggest mistake of my life letting you go.” Billie reached out and touched Debra’s cheek. “It keeps me awake at night, it’s kept me from eating some days, but seeing you todayand knowing you’re happy…it makesmehappy in some weird fucked up way.”
“Billie—”
“No, please don’t say anything. I just wanted you to know that Idorealise the mistake I made in pushing you away. I need you to leave here tonight knowing that I’m fully aware of the mess I was in, even when I didn’t want to admit it to myself. It just…it took you coming into my life and calling me out on it for things to change.”
“Well, thank you for being honest.”
Billie lifted a shoulder. “It’s all I have left in me at this point.”
“I’m glad you buzzed me up,” Debra said. “And I’m glad you look like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like yourself,” Debra replied. “Even if you’re still figuring out who that is.”
“Ella says I’m exactly who I used to be, but I’m not so sure just yet.” Billie knew it would take time to erase ten years of control and her so-called alter ego, but she would get there one day. She had plenty of time on her hands to work on herself. “I’m sorry if I ever made you question yourself. It was never anything you’d done wrong. In fact, you were doing things so right that it terrified me. That’s on me, okay?”
Debra opened the door and stepped out onto the landing. “You take care of yourself, Billie. And don’t forget to call me if you ever want to get that coffee and have a chat. I’ll always make time for you.”
“I will. One day.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Debra barely recalledthe walk to Maeve’s place. She’d gone to Billie’s apartment wanting to feel the atmosphere a month on, and now she couldn’t think of anything else. She wasn’t over Billie, she wouldn’t be for a long time, but she understood her need to step away entirely…even if she’d secretly hoped that Billie would have picked up the phone and called her before they’d bumped into one another today.
Maeve poured the wine, sensing that something was playing on Debra’s mind. She’d always been perceptive like that, but Debra wouldn’t change her. Maeve was there for her when it mattered most. She always would be.
“So,” Maeve said as she lowered herself to the couch. “You look like you’ve had quite the day.”
Debra puffed out a breath. “I have.”
“The good kind…” Maeve tilted her head. “Or the emotionally exhausting kind?”
Debra smiled faintly. “Both, unfortunately.” She took a sip of wine and gathered her thoughts. “Lucille and I have decided to be friends.”
Maeve’s brows shot up. “Oh.”
“It was mutual in the end.”
Maeve studied her over the rim of her glass. “And what prompted that turn of events?”
Debra cleared her throat, deciding that it was pointless to skirt around the truth. If Maeve admonished her for feeling the way she did, then so be it. “I ran into Billie today.”
Maeve’s expression shifted immediately to concern. “You ran into her, or you sought her out?”
“I ran into her at the museum. And yes, it was completely by chance.”
“And Lucille was with you.”
