Her mind,unhelpfully, drifted anyway.
To the museum.
Specifically to Debra and Lucille at the museum. She’d been polite when she’d bumped into Billie, but Billie had caught a hint of sadness in her eyes. She’d felt it before she’d seen it. The understanding that this new version of Debra existed because Billie hadn’t been able to stay, and whatever could have grown between them had been interrupted by something Billie hadn’t yet learned how to dismantle.
Still, Debra had looked happy enough. She’d seemed open and content with Lucille.
Get over it. She’s moved on!
Billie exhaled a deep breath and reached into her bowl of popcorn again. She wasn’t even hungry, but it gave her something to do when she was bored to tears, and lately, that happened more often than not.
Leave it to you to have extra time on your hands after you’ve pushed someone away.
But it would all be fine. It had to be.
She’d spent the last month learning how to accept things for what they were instead of what she wished they could be. Shorter days at work, less stress, and evenings like this. Sitting in the quiet, making herself deliberately small. It wasn’t joy—far from it, actually—but it was something she could manage and survive. And right now, surviving counted fora lot.
The intercom buzzed, and Billie nearly dropped the bowl as she shot up off the couch. She hadn’t wanted to call Ella, her best friend had done enough for her over the last month, but they’d always been in tune with one another. Billie appreciated that she’d likely telepathically known she’d needed company and headed over here.
She crossed the room and put on her best smile as she pressed the speaker, refusing to show even a hint of today to Ella. She didn’t want to sit here talking about Debra anymore. What was the point? “Hello?”
“H-hi. It’s um…it’s Debra.”
Billie’s world seemed to tilt. She closed her eyes and pressed a hand to the wall, grounding herself. Of course it was Debra. Of course she’d decided to show up when Billie was unguarded and wearing clothes she’d never planned foranyoneto see her in. “I—” Billie cleared her throat. “Hi.”
“I’m sorry to come by unannounced, but I was nearby, and I wondered if you wanted some company…”
Billie almost laughed at that. She was sure Debra was fucking with her. Why on earth would she want to sit here with Billie when she could be doing whatever she would usually do with Lucille?
Then she thought about the museum again and Lucille’s arm around Debra’s waist. Billie had forced herself to accept it all earlier, reminding herself that maybe it was just the way things were meant to be.
She could say no. She could tell Debra she was tired or that she wasn’t up for seeing people this evening…that would be the sensible thing to do. Instead, she pressed the button to unlock the main door, refusing to overthink it.
She stepped back from the intercom, aware that her heart was racing. It hadn’t raced since the morning she’d woken up in Debra’s spare room, but that was because there had been nothing for it to race towards. Debra had stepped back, Billie had found she had an inability to reach out once she felt stable, and now here they were…with Billie single and alone as always, and Debra offering her company because she likely knew Billie was nothing more than a lost soul these days.
She looked down at herself. Bare arms and messy hair, her apartment nothing like Debra would remember from the last time she was here. But wasn’t that the point of taking care of herself now? None of this was meant to be a performance anymore. It was meant to bejusther. She wassupposedto unwind in the evening.
And then her mind drifted to Debra in the lift. She could picture that perfectly composed woman who gave nothing away unless she wanted Billie to see it. Hands clasped around her bag strap, shoulders pulled back, looking as beautiful as ever. The thought alone squeezed Billie’s heart.
You wanted her, you fucked it up, you accept that.
When Debra knocked, Billie stepped forward immediately and opened the door.
Debra stood there with her coat draped over one arm, her hair tossed by the wind. And then Billie landed on those blue eyes, the very eyes that had comforted her in recent weeks as she drifted off to sleep.
“Hi. Come in.”
Debra paused at the door and took Billie in. There was no judgment there, but Billie should have known that. Judgement and Debra didn’t go together. Hadn’t she learned that the night she’d found herself kneeling in front of her?
She stepped inside Billie’s apartment and took in the scene. The throw half on the floor where it was draped over the end of the couch, the half-empty bowl of popcorn on the coffee table…the pile of laundry on the dining chair.
“This seems like a cosy night in.” Debra smiled as she turned back to Billie. “You look…comfortable.”
Billie laughed. “That’s high praise.”
“Mm. It is.”
“Do you want a drink? I’ve got tea. Or…well, whatever you want really.”
