Ella clenched her jaw.
“I… It wasn’t sexual,” Billie said quickly, hoping Ella heard the truth in it. “Not in the way people imagine it probably is. With Nina, it’s automatic. We have what we have…and it stays at the office.”
“Right…”
“When Debra walked in and saw me with her, because yes…Iwasfucking Nina when she walked in, it all turned to shit.”Billie dragged a hand through her hair. “Though, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure I was fully there before she walked in. I was in a weird headspace…but once she’d told me what she thought of me and left, something inside of me just collapsed.”
She risked a glance at Ella, bracing herself for whatever came next.
But nothingdidcome. Ella just sat there, gazing back at her.
“Once I’d managed to get myself off my office floor, I ended up outside her flat.” Billie closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “And I was on my knees as she opened the door.”
“Oh, Billie…”
“My body just remembered the script I learned a long time ago. If you make a mistake, if you upset someone, you make yourself smaller. You apologise first, you kneel, and youdon’task for reassurance because that makes it worse.”
“Billie.” Ella’s voice broke as she shifted closer. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“I don’t think there is anything to say. I just appreciate you being here and not judging me.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever judged you in all the years we’ve known one another.” Ella smiled as she angled her head. “So, I’m guessing you’ve told Debra about the past? If she saw you like that…”
“Not yet. Not the details,” Billie said, her stomach roiling at the mere thought of sitting down and telling Debra how fucked up she was. “But I will. She deserves that.”
“How did she react last night?”
“She put me up in her spare room and had breakfast waiting this morning.” The smallest smile curled on Billie’s lips as she recalled the comfort of Debra’s flat this morning. “And now, I never want to imagine that not being a possibility in the future, even though I know it’ll never happen.”
“You seem sure about that.” Ella sat back on the couch and crossed her legs.
“I am, but this isn’t me pushing her away, Ella. This is me accepting that I let it slip through my fingers and I’m entirely to blame.”
Ella searched Billie’s eyes. “Can I say something about her?”
“About Debra?”
Ella nodded. “I only met her for five minutes, but those five minutes told me a lot.”
Billie’s pulse kicked up a little.
“She’s kind, and I don’t mean that performative kindness, or the sort that asks for anything in return. She was worried about you, Billie. Not confused, not offended, butworried.” She tilted her head. “And she didn’t try to fix you. Instead, she made space.”
Billie stared down at her hands and smiled. “That’s just who she is.”
“Icansee why that scares you.”
“She doesn’t treat me like I’m fragile or broken. She treats me like I’m human.” Billie’s pulse picked up again with that admission. “I don’t know what to do with that.”
“You let it happen.” Ella reached for her cup. “That’s what you do.”
Billie shook her head. “What if I hurt her?”
“You already did, and she still showed up.”
Ouch. That landed hard.
“You know what else I noticed? Ofallthe times when you could have run away, last night should have been it. Knowing she saw you like that, first with Nina and then at her place, you could have bolted and locked yourself away. But you didn’t. You let her see you.”
