When Nina stepped out, leaving Debra and Billie alone, Debra took a breath and looked up at Billie again. “I wasn’t sure if everything was okay.”
“Everything is as it should be, Ms Allen.”
God, she hated it when Billie spoke to her with that cutting formality. “If you need space?—”
Billie held up a hand, effectively dismissing Debra. “Space isn’t the issue.”
“Then what is it?”
“You shouldn’t read into things,” Billie said as she stepped forward and adjusted the suit jacket. “You have your suit, it sits impeccably on you, and that was precisely what you came here for.”
Those words sliced through Debra. She felt a chill slip down her spine, but she forced herself to take a step closer. “Do you really think I came here today for this suit, Billie? Do you think I care about some fabric and the way it looks on me after the time I’ve spent with you?”
Billie’s jaw clenched as she looked away. “Whatever happened between us was a lapse in judgement on my part. It won’t happen again.”
Debra may as well have been guided out onto the street and had the door slammed in her face. The finality in Billie’s words almost took her breath away, but Debra felt as though she had to try here. “Billie, if I was too much or if I did something?—”
“You didn’t.” Billie exhaled through her nose, giving nothing away at all. “I believe we’re done here, Ms Allen. Now that your suit is finished, you should forget about me. It’ll be easier.”
Easier? For who?
And then Debra felt it rise in her chest. Not disappointment but hurt. Pure and simple. She swallowed, nodded once, and smoothed her hands down the front of the jacket Billie had crafted for her. “Well, thank you for the beautiful work.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll have Nina box it up for you, okay?”
“Yes.” Debra held onto her composure with everything she possessed. “Thank you.”
She allowed herself one last look at Billie. She clung to one last hope that something soft would show in her eyes. But Billie just stood there, perfectly still, every line of her body drawn tight with a distance Debra hadn’t seen before. A distance that was breaking something Debra hadn’t realised she’d been willing to give.
Billie closedthe office door behind her with a soft click. She locked it out of instinct, not necessity—Nina wouldn’t come in without knocking, and Debra certainly had no plans to follow her—but Billie needed the barrier. That thin sheet of wood between herself and the mistake she’d just made.
Her palms were clammy, her throat ached with emotion, but she moved towards her desk, performing her usual routine. The moment she sank into her chair, the stillness hit her with a force that stole her breath.
She’d done it again. She’d destroyed the potential happiness before it destroyed her. She’d pushed away a woman who madeher think and feel. She’d pushed her own heart back down into the deepest depths of her being.
Billie pressed her trembling fingers to her temples. Debra’s face lingered there…that shift in her expression when Billie had told her to forget about her. That tiny, wounded breath Debra had tried to hide but that Billie had heard anyway. She would recall that sound for days, weeks…for as long as her heart ached.
God, she could still smell Debra’s perfume in the air as though it had followed her to the office from the fitting room. It clung to Billie’s senses like it was trying to coax her back to some kind of sanity.
But this, whatever it was or had been, could not continue.
She leaned back in her chair and stared up at the ceiling as she tried to breathe through the ache clawing at her ribs. She’d felt it the moment she saw Debra wearing the suit she’d designed for her. That destabilising swell of feeling that had no business belonging to Billie Brown.
It wasn’t supposed to matter, Billie wasn’t meant to feelanythingat all, and yet she had. Seeing Debra standing there with that glimmer of hope in her eyes, open and not afraid of her emotions…it had sliced straight through Billie’s armour. She could still feel her pulse thrumming now as she reminded herself of the gentleness in Debra’s voice when she’d tried to give Billie options.
Debra had kindly and unsurprisingly offered her space. She’d done what anyone who cared would do. But Billie wasn’t built for being cared about. So, she’d done what she always did. She’d pulled the blade first.
“Now that your suit is finished, you should forget about me.”
Those words replayed in her mind, each repetition a deeper jab of the knife.
She hadn’t meant them, not in her heart. The very thought of Debra forgetting about her made Billie’s stomach flip with panic, but wanting Debra to remember her was even more foolish.
Wantinganythingwas foolish.
And then her ex’s voice crept in, insidious and unwelcome. It was a memory, not a presence, but it was potent enough to raise every hair on her arms.
You always ruin things before they ruin you because you know they will. Because they always do. You’re not capable of making anyone happy. You’re pathetic. Look at you!
