“It’s hard not to. You talk about control like it’s the air you breathe.”
Billie chose not to respond to that. Her emotions were too close to the surface for honesty, and she wasn’t in the right headspace for diverting the conversation away from her with something totally unrelated. Not with Debra.
Debra leaned back against the cushions, her cup cradled in both hands, and watched Billie. “What happens when you finally let it go?”
“I don’t know.” Billie met her gaze, and for a heartbeat, everything inside of her stilled. “I don’t let go.”
The room fell silent. It was the kind of silence that held weight, as though the world had narrowed to Debra’s living room and nothing else mattered.
Debra set her cup down on the table, her fingers lingering on the rim. “You look like you’re trying very hard not to say something.”
Billie swallowed. She was about to enter fight or flight mode, and the latter was likely going to win. But as she looked up at Debra, everything within her relaxed and settled. Debra wasn’t someone to be avoided. God, she was someone to be celebrated. “I am.”
“Then please, just say it.” Debra’s voice cracked. “You’ve already rejected me once before, Billie. Whatever it is that’s on your mind, I’m sure I can handle it.”
The words clawed their way up Billie’s throat before she could stop them. “When I’m with you, you knock me off kilter.”
Debra’s eyes widened with surprise as a hint of tenderness crossed her face. “Billie…”
Billie didn’t move. She was afraid that if she did, the spell would break. She wanted to apologise, to retreat behind professionalism again, but she struggled to care about rules anymore. She struggled to function whether she was with or without Debra.
Debra reached out and brushed her hand against Billie’s, where it rested on her knee. The touch was light, but it unravelled every last thread of Billie’s composure.
She looked down at their hands, then back up into Debra’s eyes. The air between them had definitely shifted, but it was a pleasant shift. A shift Billie hadn’t seen coming as she whispered, “I shouldn’t.”
“I know.” Still, Debra didn’t pull away. “I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I understand.”
Billie leaned in, slow and cautious, giving Debra every chance to stop her, but Debra didn’t. She closed the last inch herself, lighting Billie up with a hope she hadn’t encountered in almost ten years.
The kiss was gentle and uncertain at first; nothing about it resembled the dominance Billie usually wielded. No, this was something far more enthralling than any kind of power Billie could assert. It was soft, it was human, fuck…it wasreal.
Debra’s lips were warm against hers, tasting strongly of coffee and courage. Billie’s hand found the side of her face, her thumb tracing the edge of her jaw, and Debra’s breath caught with a sound that went straight through Billie and penetrated the deepest depths of her.
When they finally drew back, neither of them said a word. Fuck, Billie didn’t know what to do with herself. It had been so long since she’d leaned into a moment like that, and now she was raw and broken open. In all honesty, she wanted to dive back inand get lost in this woman…never resurfacing to face her old life again.
She touched her forehead to Debra’s, her eyes closing as her pulse pounded in her ears. “I don’t do this,” she murmured. “This isn’t who I am anymore.”
“I know,” Debra whispered, the gentlest smile gracing those beautiful, soft lips. “And that’s why it matters to me.”
Billie let out a slow, shaky breath. She didn’t know what came next, but she knew that she didn’t want to leave the confines of Debra’s safe, trusting home yet. Not tonight. Shit, maybe not at all.
“I don’t know why or how you came into my life, but right now…I just want to be here in the calm.”
Debra dragged Billie’s bottom lip between her teeth and released it slowly, smiling as she drew back. “I’m not going to kick you out. Trust me on that one.”
The hours had slippedby without Billie noticing. One moment, the flat had been full of late afternoon light, and now the room had softened into a cosy evening glow. But Billie didn’t do cosy evening glows. Not with other women, anyway. It felt too intimate, too…revealing.
Still, she remained on the couch with a glass of whiskey resting between her fingers. Debra had insisted she open the good bottle. The single malt she’d been ‘saving for an occasion.’ Apparently, this counted as one.
She glanced over at Debra, where she was curled up on the opposite end of the couch with a blanket over her knees. The way she rested there, staring at the candle flickering on the coffee table, spoke of comfort. She looked down into her glassand swallowed. Billie had never been in another person’s space that made relaxation feel like a possibility, but Debra made it too easy.
“You’re very quiet.” Debra’s soft voice pierced the silence.
Billie lifted her gaze. How could Debra possibly know Billie’s levels of quiet? They didn’t know anything about one another. Not that deeply, anyway. “Am I?”
“Mmhmm.” Debra smiled as she reached for her glass of wine. “You don’t have to think so hard, you know. You can justbehere.”
God, Billie wished she could do something that seemed so simple to most people. “I don’t think I know how to just be.”
