“Of course I do,” Ella lowered her eyes. “I was the one who found you. I was the one who almost went to prison for kicking her door in…and then her face!”
Billie’s throat constricted. The memories still lived close to the surface, too close sometimes. The smell of cigarette smoke, the shouting, the mirror she couldn’t bear to look in for months. When Billie put herself back in that place, even if only just to show how far she’d come, it was like looking at a woman she’d never known before. A stranger, masquerading as herself.
Ella reached across the table, resting her hand over Billie’s for a brief, grounding second. “That was years ago. You’ve built something beautiful since then. But you can’t keep punishing yourself for surviving it.”
Billie’s jaw flexed. “I’m not punishing myself. I’m maintaining control.”
“Is that what you call it?” Ella angled her head and smiled. “Really?”
Billie didn’t answer. There was no point when Ella could see right through her. Because her best friend was right. If Billie believed she still had everything under control, she wouldn’t be sitting here now…fighting the idea of looking her in the eye.
“Okay, so what are you going to do about this Debra, then?”
“Nothing.” Billie shrugged. “She’ll come in, collect her suit, and that will be it.”
“And if she books again?”
Billie’s silence was answer enough.
“Look, I know you’ve been through it and part of me understands why you choose to keep love and relationships atarm’s length, but have you thought that maybe itispossible to find someone who cares about you? Someone you can see a future with?”
“Fucking hell, Ella. I’ve only had three appointments with her. It’s a bit of a stretch to think that this could be going somewhere.”
“I don’t necessarily mean Debra. Though she’s the only one you’veeversummoned me to the coffee shop for.”
Billie flared her nostrils. Ella was rightagain. But it didn’t change the fact that Debrawasjust another client. Yes, she was beautiful and the entire opposite of anyone she’d ‘serviced’ before, but that didn’t mean Billie should let her guard down. Doing so could be dangerous, and she wasn’t prepared to put herself throughthatagain. Not in this lifetime.
Ella sighed. “You’ve always said that your work was about helping women see themselves again, and maybe that’s still true, but maybe it’s time you asked whatyou’retrying to see inthem.”
Billie frowned. “That’s not fair.”
“It wasn’t meant to be,” Ella said. “It’s meant to make you think.”
“I just…” Billie rubbed at her wrist. “I wanted to briefly mention that I’d cancelled her, that’s all. Because yeah…I never do that. But it doesn’t have to mean anything. So long as I know where the line is and I don’t overstep it, then everything is fine, and life goes on as normal.”
“Your normal, yes.”
Billie looked up at Ella and laughed. “My normalisnormal. We all deal differently, El. Just because you haven’t been beaten and told that’s what love is, it doesn’t give you the right to criticise howIchoose to live my life.”
“Whoa.” Ella’s brows drew together. “You need to check that attitude before it’s too late.”
Another thing nobody other than Ella would get away with.
Check my attitude.Billie scoffed inwardly. “This was a waste of time.”
“No, no. This is me telling you that it’s time to stop hiding behind a fucking ‘full service’ and live your life.” Ella slid a hand across the table and dipped her head. “You’ve got so much to give, Billie. You have a huge heart. I know it was broken, and I know it was battered, but it’s still in there. You find the right woman, and you could really have it all.”
Billie checked her watch and stood. “I need to get back.”
“Yeah, you always do.” Ella nodded. “Just don’t close the door completely, okay? Sometimes, the things that scare you the most are the ones that you fix.”
Billie smoothed down her suit jacket and scoffed. “Debra doesn’t need fixing.”
“No, but maybeyoudo.”
Billie didn’t respond. She took a twenty from her wallet, left it on the table, and walked out of the coffee shop. The city moved around her, people passed her by, but Billie felt lost. In a city she’d spent her life in, she felt like a stranger.
She told herself she’d forget about this conversation by tomorrow, but she also told herself that Debra Allen was none of her business. By the time she’d managed to move her feet and head towards her apartment, she already knew both were a lie.
