I wish I had a good answer for that. I’m not sure anything I can say will ease the pain I’ve caused, but I know it won’t. “Looking back, I see how fucking lame it is, but I think–somewhere in my messed up brain–I’d convinced myself I lost you and there was nothing I could do to change that. Even if I’d thought I could try, I was too ashamed. Too weak. Why do you think I’m so obsessed with safety? The last thing I’d ever want is to repeat my mistakes or see anyone else make them. I knew jack shit about BDSM back then, but I know now. I have a responsibility to pass that knowledge along.”
34
Raegan
My heart is actively cracking, breaking in two for this man. When Demetria strongly insinuated I needed to talk to Hayes about his past, I pressed hard, needing to know what she knows. All she’d say is that it had to do with his childhood and then she was steadfast in her stance of it needing to come from him.
I spent the days since I last saw her, contemplating what his reasoning could be, coming up with scenario after scenario and role-playing how I’d respond to each of them. The end result… there was nothing he could say that would justify what he’d done.
I was utterly and devastatingly… wrong.
Things moved so fast for us back then. We met and the near instant chemistry between us made everything so easy. He was so funny, charming and my best fucking friend. I don’t even remember who mentioned marriage first. It just came up in conversation and we dove in head-first.
All we saw was each other.
Parents and family didn’t matter.
My family was surprised and understandably concerned, but I was too caught up in the romance of it all to even ask where his parents were. To find outnow… that he’s been carrying the weight of his father’s abuse all these years… it doesn’t negate what he did, but it does change how I feel about it.
“Baby, I know you want everyone to be safe and you’ve literally built your brand around it, but you have to know things can happen no matter howsafeyou try to be. It’s just the nature of what we do when we engage in basically any kink-related activity. You can’t prevent everything.” I lean forward just enough to place a soft kiss on his forehead. “And yeah… neither of us knew shit back then. But that’s not all on you. What happened was anaccident.I never once blamed you for my wrist.”
He looks back at me with sad, hooded eyes. “How can you say that? It was my job to keep you safe.”
“You did! You got me out of the restraints and took me to the emergency room. You handled it the way you were supposed to.”
“I meant it when I said I’ve thought about you every goddamn day since I left,” he tells me, the tears finally slowing. “How are you so fucking perfect?”
I wish I was perfect, but I’m far from it. “I’m not perfect. I’ve made my own mistakes that I’m not sure I can atone for.”
“What do you mean?”
I can’t help but look away. If I don’t, Iwillcry again and if I’m being truthful with myself, I’m fucking tapped out. “Demetria… I carried my grief and anger towards you for far too long and I used her as a distraction. It worked for a while. Until I realized I fell for her and then I broke her heart. I don’t deserve her, Hayes.”
He scoffs. “Neither of us deserve her, Angel.” His hand grips my chin, directing my gaze back to his. “I don’t deserve either of you. That doesn’t stop me from wanting to keep you both.”
“What?”
“You heard me. I’ve spent every day–since I met that bratty little pixie–trying to pretend I didn’t want her. All I did was fall for her and it wasn’t gentle. I can’t get her out of my mind and I’m not sure I want to.”
My eyes widen in shock at his proclamation. I’m not oblivious. It’s clear as day to anyone with eyes that he feels something for her. I just thought he’d deny it forever. “Hayes–”
“Before you say anything else, do you still want her?”
I don’t even have to think about it. “Yes, of course I want her.”
“Hold onto me,” he orders. Before I can fully comply, he’s standing and I’m hurrying to wrap myself around him like a Koala, so I don’t land on my ass.
“Wait! What about the papers? Your land deal? We can’t keep putting that off. I can’t imagine your lawyer is pleased with all the delays.”
“I have a plan for that. Do you trust me?”
My head moves up and down enthusiastically. “Mhm.”
“Good.” His lips land on mine, pressing until I kiss him back. It’s simple, yet full of intention and promise of what’s to come. “It’s time we go get our girl.”
35
Demi
