“I see,” he pauses. “Don’t worry about her too much. I have an idea that will hopefully help you with her, this evening.”
“Okayyyy. Can you give me a little hint? Please,” I beg.
“No can do, baby. But you’ll find out soon enough.” I shoot him a scowl, which should make it clear how displeased I am, but he doesn’t relent. “There is something I’d like to talk with you about, though.”
“When you were getting ready to graduate high school, you were college bound. You had a scholarship and everything. I’d like to know what happened. Did you go?”
Having a conversation about college was not on my bingo card for today. I suspected he may bring it up at some point, but I wasn’t prepared to talk about it now. How do I admit to him that I gave up my scholarship to stay closer to mom, without disappointing him? I’ve seen his disappointed face. Zero out of five stars. Would not recommend. All I want is for him to be proud of me.
“I… didn’t go,” I tell him, hesitantly.
“I see.” Why does he keep saying that? What the fuck does he see? “Why didn’t you go to college, Arabella.”
I’m silent as I relentlessly stare at my sandwich, like it’s personally offended me. The shame I feel is creeping up my neck and I can already feel myself starting to sweat.
“Hey,” he reaches out to direct my gaze back to him. “Don’t do that. I’m not asking because I’m disappointed. I genuinely want to know what’s happened with you in the last six years. I feel like the woman I’m looking at now is different from the one I knew back then. I’m trying to understand. That’s all.”
His tone is reassuring, to say the least. And those ice blue eyes of his tell me he means it. “There’s more than one reason,” I admit.
“Tell me the first one.”
“I gave up my scholarship to stay home and help Mom,” I spit out in a single breath.
He sighs but doesn’t speak for a few moments. “Is your mother really that bad off that you had to put your own life on hold to care for her?”
“They said she’s really not supposed to drive, so she needs help to get to and from her appointments. There are gaps of time where she doesn’t have many, like lately, but after she hit her head in that fall, her memory hasn’t been great. I’m all she has, Ryker.”
“How did she fall?”
“I went on a girls trip with Wrinley, and she fell while I was away.” My eyes sting as I fight back the tears. I still feel guilty for leaving her to fend for herself. “I couldn’t even go away for the weekend without something happening. How could I go off to college?”
“You’re not with her all the time, now. How is that any different?” he questions. He doesn’t understand. No one does.
“I don’t think I’m evernotworried about her on some level. I considered moving in with her, but I don’t think there are enough benzos in the world that could get me through that. Thankfully, it’s been a while since she’s had a significant incident and even if she did, I’m not far.”
“Okay, what’s the second reason?” Shit, he’s really not going to like this one.
“She needed money, so I took out a loan to help her out,” I tell him, shamefully. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I felt backed into a corner. “She was supposed to make the payments but fell behind. I had to pick up extra hours to cover it.”
The look on his face. That’s the look I’m trying to avoid by not telling anyone about the money. Not even Wrinley knows.
“Jesus.” The disappointment in his tone isn’t lost on me. “How much?”
I stare at him, silently willing this conversation to go away.
“How much was the loan for, Arabella?” he questions more sternly this time.
“Ten thousand, but I think there’s only five left… finally.” It’s been difficult to keep up with myself, but I’m doing better than she was at maintaining the payments.
“I want the name of your loan servicer,” he commands. “And you should consider going to school, Bella.”
Has he not been listening? “I can’t. I can’t afford it and it’ll irrevocably break me if something happens to her again. I knowshe’s harsh and critical and fucking frustrating as hell, but she’s still my mother.”
“Don’t worry about the loan. I’ll handle it.” It’s so easy for him to just fix everything. I don’t know how he can be so calm about this. “Just think about it. That’s all I ask.”
I nod, to appease him and be done with this conversation, but I don’t miss the pity marring his gaze and causes my stomach to turn. And now I’m no longer hungry.
I'm spending a little more time getting ready than usual, including makeup I never wear, because my mother is always criticizing my appearance… among other things, and while I may not have my life fully together yet, I’m trying and I need her to see it. No, Ineedher to believe it.
